What Elder Harold B. Lee told Brother John Wadsworth

Elder John  Wadsworth who currently serve as a Welfare/PEF Missionary in Nigeria recalled at the High Priest Group class today 28 February 2010 that while serving full time mission as a young man, Elder Harold B. Lee then an Apostle was on a mission tour of his mission.  He had the privilege of traveling with him for the 12 days he spent on their Mission in South America.  At the end of the tour, Elder Lee asked him if he had a young lady waiting for him at home to be married as soon as he returned home from his mission to which he said no.  Elder Lee then told him to call him as soon as he found one.

When Brother Wadsworth found his  wife, he called on Elder Lee who was gracious enough to grant them an appointment.  He recalled that Elder Lee asked him about South America, about the church there, leaders and potential leaders in that place.  They spent time talking about their economy, their political situation and other issues.  Then suddenly, Elder Lee stopped and said, these are not why we are here.  Now tell me about this woman you have identified.  While Brother Wadsworth was telling Elder about his fiancé, he noticed that tears were running down Elder Lee’s face.  When he finished talking about his wife to be, Elder Lee looked him squarely in the face and told him to remember what he is going tell him now.

Elder Lee then told Brother Wadsworth that two things matter most in this life and asked him to concentrate his efforts on these two things and he would be successful.  Elder Lee then said those two things are:

• The family
• The church

He noted that Elder Lee had told him that he should focus on success on these two items and in that order, meaning his family should come first and the Church next.  Elder Lee promised Brother Wadsworth that if he would focus all his energies on his family relationship and learn all that he could about Heavenly Father (God) then he would be completely successful in life.

Elder Wadsworth currently serves a full time mission with his wife of 42 years as couple missionaries in the Nigeria Lagos Mission  They are in charge of Perpetual Education Fund in the whole Nigeria.  This is a sign of success since he has to pay for his mission and he is still married to that same woman since then.  He must have listened to Elder Harold B. Lee who later became a President of the Church.

I bring this account to my blog readers today because of the emphasis on laying a good foundation for joyful relationships that would lead to the creation of the family which is the basic unit of the society. 

For many people, little or no consideration is given to the importance of the family to their overall success and happiness in life.  If the family is considered at all, it is superficially.  However, here lies the onion of existence and the route to true joy and all successes you can ever imagine.

It was David O. McKay who made the now famous statement:  “no success can compensate for failure in the home”.  This is a clarion call for proper preparation for the establishment of the family.  The foundation for joyful relationships is the key for the success in the family front, the mother of all successes.

Using TMT In Dating and Courtship Relationships

One of the major challenges faced by dating and courtship partners is how to date and court appropriately.  In an era where dating has been taken as a licence for sexual intimacy, it is an uphill task convincing young single and single adults that they should keep sex out of their dating and courtship relationships.

The few relationship experts and coaches who have been working and pushing for the young people to learn that by following certain proven principles and practices, they could have joy in their relationships are having a hard time impressing the young single adults with idea of total abstinence from sexual intimacies before marriage.  Today as I was thinking about strategies to use in delivering this important success tip for those getting involved in dating and courtship relationships I received this inspiration.  I just thought about sharing it first with my associates on this blog.

TMT is  acronym for Time Management Techniques.  The TMT advocated here is not the usual straight-jacket  time management that we know.  It is the TMT I learnt from my coach, Stephen Pierce.  He taught me that the best way to manage time is to do so by “what is worth it and what I value”.  Stephen noted that if we value something, a project, a person, we naturally like to spend our time on those things, projects and persons.

The questions now are:

• Do we value a peaceful, loving, growing and joyful relationship with the man or woman with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives? 
• Is the life we want to live with our spouse worth preparing, working and doing every needful thing to establish it?
• Is our envisaged, dreamed or imagined marriage relationship worth sacrificing for?

Stephen went on to teach that wealthy people’s dictum is “is it worth it” while poor people’s dictums are numerous and include: “‘it is a hard thing to do’, ‘it is an impossible thing to do’, ‘I don’t have enough time to do all that’, etc.”

What I understand from Stephen’s ideas here is that the dominant influence in our conduct with dating or courtship partners should be where we think the relationship is destined for.  If your focus is a future of bliss and happiness and growth in your relationship, then that’s what should influence how you behave right now.

I make bold to state that an ounce of premarital sexual intimacy would damage the foundation of your relationship.  It would erode the pillars of trust, integrity and mutual respect.  These are foundational pillars in any marriage relationship that can ensure that you can survive the bomb blast that happen in marriage relationships quite often.  Come to think of it, your target should not be to have your marriage survive.  I would like you to copy my own target which is to have my marriage relationship thrive.

The challenge of maintaining sex-free premarital relationships such as dating, courtship and engagement is enormous.  I appreciate this every bit.  I was once a boy.  However, by knowledge, by advance decision, it is possible. 

I dated and courted my wife for 2 years.  In this period by advance decision, we did not have any sexual relationship until our wedding.  So, it is possible.  One other thing that helped us was that in those days, we were taking a religious class on “Preparing for Eternal Marriage”.  This is a class run for young single adults by the Institute of Religion of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (www.lds.org).  This course is now called “Eternal Marriage” .  It is obtainable at all the Institute of Religion centres of the Church.  Pardon me for this rather too much religious intrusion here.  The objective of this blog is to provide for you, all the resources that helped me in my early life so that you can draw fromthem.  This happens to be one of them.  It is available to members and non-members of the Church alike.  No fees and no obligations.

Another important thing Stephen Pierce taught me which I feel could help young people here is what we are focusing on.  He noted that people are rich or poor as a result of what they are focusing on.  I can also draw a connection here in respect of the difficulties of maintaining sexual purity. 

If in your relationship with the opposite sex, you are focusing on the physical or other wrong reasons for marrying, then you are bound to make the terrible mistake of engaging in premarital sex.  But if you are focusing on eternal dimension of marriage, joyful relationship, peace of mind and happy married life, then you have a chance of taking all necessary action to keep on the right track.

What do you look forward to in your relationship? Peace, joy, love and success?  If so, you have to do what is needful to achieve them.

Keep working on your desires that are good.

Francis

Re: No Man Talks Altar Deal Without Sex….

Dear Auntie Agatha,

I came across the above problem shared with you by 23 year old Good.  As a virgin with self respect, she has decided to stay virgin until her wedding day.  The problem she shared with you is the reality of the world today unfortunately.  Each time I read your counsel to people, I learn much from your power to tell the people the truth.  Keep up the good work because it is these truths that serve as staying power for those who would be saved.  Thank you very much for being upfront with this young woman and letting her know that it is imperative that she keep her virginity as there lies her honour.

Many who snub these kinds of wise counsel end up in marriages where there is no honour for them.  When they are trampled upon even by the men who took their virginity, they wonder where the trouble is coming from.  Men have difficulty trusting their spouses even those with whom they have lived with for several years.  This comes from their own lack of trust in themselves.  A woman who turns up a virgin on the wedding night has a better chance to earn respect and trust of her husband.

It is about time those who know that it is wise to abstain from premarital sex start drumming it loud and clear in the ear of our youngsters.  Many of them are good people who would love to retain their self respect and get involved in sexual relationship only within the bonds of marriage where it is approved both by law and God.  They need the support of respected voices like yours, Auntie Agatha, so keep up the good work.

Dear Good, you have my support to maintain the beautiful standard you have set for yourself.  As Auntie Agatha said, if you start premarital sex, there would be no chance to study your man to know if he is even suitable for you.  Your mind would be beclouded and you will not see the dangerous character traits some of us have.  This is how people get into abusive relationships.

I assure that a worthy man would come.  Those who demand for sex before marriage are unworthy of you.

May God bless you with strength.

Francis

7 Things Women Hate in Relationships

Culled from The PM News July 31, 2009

http://thepmnews.com

Building and sustaining a good relationship could be real hard work for both men and women.  Probably what makes it more intriguing is the challenge of uniqueness; every man/woman is wired differently and everything around them reflect this subtle point.

The experience of some would have pushed them to a painful decision of abstaining from further interactions with the opposite sex, while others would have taken ample time to devise a way to handle their fate.  But in all these, there is no harm in seeking knowledge that can ease your stress and frustration.

I have been privileged to talk to a man who has had it rough in relationships.  The problem had got to a height he felt totally inadequate to handle, but as he explored chances, our paths met and today, he is happier for it.  Let’s hear his ordeal.

“I have had many failed relationships in life.  After several attempts to settle down with a woman I could call mine failed in Port Harcourt, I relocated to Lagos, just in case the babes in Port Harcourt conspired against my proposals.  But to my surprise, it was even harder to secure one in Lagos, since they all seemed informed and padded with wild expectations.

My problem was nothing close to talking to or getting a girl into a relationship but keeping the relationship was a trade I could not just master.  Life became more frustrating as years rolled by; my mates had turned husbands and fathers with lots of family responsibilities to show, while I still remained bomboy.

In my quest for why things have not worked for me in this direction, I decided to change my looks.  I started jerry-curling my hair, speaking like an African-American (when I had not even been to the international airport), did all sorts of incredible stuff.  Within this period, I met an attractive young lady, who was equally attracted to me and I felt this was the catch I had been waiting for.

The relationship started well with lots of warmth and pleasure.  My finesse added colour to the whole adventure as I daily reminded my fiancee and her mother of how I had lived a greater part of my life in America.  She (my fiancee) had an elder brother who went to study in America and never cared to return or even keep in touch with home, so, seeing me as a young man who went to study and finally came back home to settle, made them respect me so much.

It wasn’t too long in the relationship when I got the news that ‘my brother-in-law to be’ had finally landed in the country, so I obviously prepared and presented myself for recognition.

My fiancee and the mother quickly introduced me to the Americana, telling him how I had lived in the US for long.  Little did I know that was the beginning of my woes.

The excited young man rained series of questions on me about where I lived and worked in the US and I was found wanting.  The worst part of it was that I initially mentioned I lived in Texas where the guy had also lived for a very long time.  I could not even talk about my neighbourhood, what a shame?  It was then glaring that I was a blatant liar, deceiving everyone over the months about my identity and personality.

That, of course, was the end of that relationship.  I left in shame and disgrace, with very strong warning never to come near their family house.

When it came to that, I then knew my ‘enemies’ were after me and did not want me to marry, but how true was my assertion?  I was the only enemy of my life.”

We could laugh and mock this young man, but several other people make mistakes that mar their love lives by the day.

These basically are the things women hate to experience in relationships:

• Lying: I’m sure liars do not read because if they do, they would have seen or heard that lies have a very short life span.  You need to tell lies several times just to cover one lie as lies are difficult to keep tract with and what you wanted to achieve with lies elude you within a second.
• Pretence: You do not need to pretend to be who you are not just to win a love.  The day the truth comes to the fore, the relationship will end on a very bitter note.
• Blackmail: There is absolutely no point to paint others black, be it your ordinary friends or ex-girl friends, thinking you will gain favour.  It will only make you appear petty and cheap.
• Selfishness: This is bad any time, any day and anywhere.
• Criticism: Pass your message in simple and clear language without making the other feel like a fool or nonentity.
• Stingy Hands: Givers are rulers, how do you expect to be the man of the relationship when you cannot part with little gifts?
• Insensitivity: Learn to study, appreciate and fulfill a woman’s emotional side.

This is the conclusion of this matter, men should fear and worship God!

This is another in a series of timeless articles on relationships we promise to bring to you regularly on the MarryRight Blog.

Happy Weekend.

What Reviewers of “Foundation For Joyful Relationships” Have To Say….

As we prepared this book for publication, I learnt from Asha Tyson, remember her – the author of “How I retired at 26”, that one of the ways to know the impact your book would have is to get the audience to review it.  So, I called 15 young single adults.  They reviewed the book, made corrections and gave me a serious burning desire to work to bring the book and this blog to fruition.  Here are some of the extracts from the young single adults.

 Salome Okoh:   “Often times, people are at a loss of who to talk to or how to know what is right because the society seem to have lost a lot of values and now celebrate foolishness in the name of civilization and modernization. We all cannot be quiet and watch our lives, and that of our children go decay. Somebody must stand up and speak up. Somebody must help us retrace our steps to the right path before we all lose our sanity.

 Francis Nmeribe has volunteered to do that.  He is aptly qualified both in experience and learning to do so.  He has been the shoulder on which many afflicted family problems have been laid and he has assisted those who are challenged to achieve succor and the strength to transform their lives from woes to success. As a personal transformation and relationship coach with experience spanning 12 years, this book captures principles he has tested with his clients with success.  I invite all who have need of help to know which direction to take in life, who have critical decisions to make or who have doubts about their life’s direction or have challenges in their relationships to make haste to contact Francis for confidential guidance and coaching.

 This is a great book.  And am hopeful, its reach and impact, would exceed our expectations.  This book is going to be a runaway success.”

 Justice N. Otuonye, Medical Student:  “I am totally overwhelmed and thrilled by the contents of this book.  Mostly how relationships like dating, courtship and friendship can lead to marriage which is an eternal plan of God for His children.  I believe that this book will stand the test of time and that many generations will be blessed by abiding by the precepts.  It will reunite broken homes and it will bless the lives of young single adults.

Amarachi Njoku, HND1 AbiaPoly:There is a saying that goes this way; “the only unsinkable ship is friendship, hence the titanic sank”.  For a dating, courtship, engagement or marriage relationship to last there should be friendship amongst partners.  It will help partners to know each other’s likes and dislikes and also know when to quit and when to walk down the aisle. Friendship is a do-without in every aspect of life.

Okorie Ken, 300 level FUTO: This book is extremely valuable. It is more than a companion to a fulfilled life. The chapter on mutual respect will correct the wrong impressions we the youth have about relationships.

 John Uko, President, United Knowledge Consultancy, Aba: Francis Nmeribe in his several years of blissful marriage relationship, friendship and coaching has rightly x-rayed the indispensable ingredients that would produce the best in every relationship.  The book, therefore, deserve the attention of all categories of people as far as human beings cannot do without relationships.

Augustine Chinemerem Njoku, Abia Poly, Aba: There are some mistakes we have made in the past which I believe that if we had the opportunity to get this book or some other books that deal with these matters; we would not have made these mistakes.  I know with all my heart with this book as a companion, we will make things right in our relationships.

Chairman Emelogu: A fantastic straight-to-the-point relationship scripture.  Highly inspired.

I join these young single adults to express my excitement at the coming of this book.  It would be tremendous help to all those who would read it and practice the principles therein.

To get your copy of “Foundation for Joyful Relationships”, email me at nmeribefrancis@gmail.com

Wrong reasons for getting married

There are right  and wrong reasons for getting married.  The worst thing a person can do to oneself is to marry a wife or husband for the wrong reason.  There are quite a number of wrong reasons why people marry.  I would like to discuss them in a series of write-ups on this blog and other fora for readers and friends of our blog.

These wrong reasons include but not limited to the following (1) Marrying out of sympathy (2) Marrying for money (3) marrying because time is against me and (4) Marrying for physical attraction.  While money, physical attraction and aging are serious  wrong reasons, at the head of the wrong reasons is marrying out of sympathy.  In the intervening days, weeks and months, I shall be discussing the above wrong reasons and many others on this blog and in related site posts and newspaper articles.

Today we would discuss marrying out of sympathy.

Marrying Out of Sympathy

There are many scenarios I have experienced in the course of my counseling and coaching on relationships.  Some of the most common ones are when the woman gets pregnant as a result of premarital sex.   It goes from such serious cases to men and women getting married to a person just because their brother or sister jilted that person.  Between these two extremes, are those who start relationships with girls who are being maltreated by those they serve.  Some men get involved with the neighborhood maids or relations of their neighbours who are being maltreated.  Women fall into this kind of challenge too. 

When sympathy forms the basis for a relationship with the opposite sex, it is like playing with a keg of gunpowder over a fireplace. Sympathy is a powerful emotion.  It so overpowering that it becomes difficult for the parties involved to consider the critical elements in the foundation for a joyful relationship such as friendship, understanding, compatibility etc.  If the man is the one sympathizing, he is so enamored into what he sees as the Good Samaritan’s job that he does not consider what stuff the woman is made off, her attitudes, desires and mindset.  He does not stop to find out what life purposes she has, what goals she is focused on and how all these could jell into his own desires.  If it is the woman that is sympathizing, she goes through the same emotions and also begins to think that if she saves the young man, he would remain loyal to her forever.

Our findings, however, have shown that the truth is far from what these sympathizer-lovers are thinking.  If as a result of your efforts the captive is set free, he or she will do what all captives do, “flee”.  Fleeing here may not mean running away from their sympathizer-lovers, though that has been known to happen with people who confess that the only feeling they had was to escape the environment.  In many instances, the sympathizer-lovers begin to act as saviours and lordships.  This is usually resisted, first psychologically and later verbally.  And there goes your peace and comfort.

Marriage relationship requires that both parties are open to each other.  Open – meaning that there are no secrets in their hearts that the other partner would not be allowed into.  Once these secret feelings are there, it produces reactive communication instead of responsive communication.

These sympathy missions when it emanates from the premarital sex pregnancy, the woman does not fully get happy in the relationship.  This arises from the fact that as the usual challenges arises, instead of the woman finding a good reason to endure; she only thinks she is in a mess occasioned by the pregnancy.  Some have confessed that if they did not get pregnant, there is no way they would end up with the man they are married to.  Instead of seeing the usual marriage challenges as learning opportunities, they mortify themselves for getting pregnant. And some of the time, they blame the man for putting them in the family way.  Some blame the child that resulted from the pregnancy.  Hatred for a child has been known to have grown from such situations creating lasting bitterness.

For the men, having not evaluated the character, demeanor, temperament of their spouse before marriage because of the overpowering influence of the emotion of sympathy, when the woman shows her real character, they are usually overwhelmed.  They see themselves as having made terrible mistakes.  They now live the rest of their lives in withdrawal or wickedness or both.

It is necessary that we have it ingrained in the tablet of our hearts that the only reasons good enough for marrying anybody are the foundational elements for joyful relationship.  See my book “Foundation for Joyful Relationship” with a powerful foreword by our very dear Auntie Agatha of Share a Problem in Daily Independent newspaper.  If while in a relationship with the opposite sex there is no opportunity to build friendship and if an understanding of the basic purpose of marriage is not clear to both of you and you cannot to communicate verbally, then there is no other reason why the relationship should continue beyond the next few hours.

Interestingly, many marriages that I have known and many out there that I do not even know about are based on sympathy. 

May I vehemently caution young single (18-30 years of age) and single adults (31 years and above) that they should not marry anybody for the purpose of saving face, to save somebody from suffering.  Instead of cornering yourselves to this quagmire, why not follow the appropriate dating, courtship and engagement practices where no sexual intimacy is  included.  You need to remember that sexual intimacy is only appropriate in a legally and lawfully wedded marriage contract.  You need to remember that the basic purpose of sexual intimacy is for procreation. 

The excitement and pleasure that accompanies sexual intercourse is purposed to invite people to take the responsibility that comes with it.  Any other use of sexual intimacy outside legal and lawful matrimony is a transgression of the law.  And law breakers must bear the full weight of the law.  In most cases, there would be no external police to arrest you and no external court to try you and no external prison to sentence you.  But there are internal version of the police, the court and the prison and a large farmland where your hard labour would be performed if you commit this offence.

Take the hint and be happy.

Until next post,

Sincerely,

Francis

PS: If you wish to lay a good foundation for your relationship with the opposite sex and look forward to a joyful and fulfilling marriage relationship, read my book, “Foundation for Joyful Relationships.  To get a copy, email me: nmeribefrancis@gmail.com

Preface to my book “Foundation For Joyful Relationships”

The synonyms for relationship include ‘association, affiliation, bond, link, liaison, rapport, connection, etc.’  When you extend these synonyms a little further, you will see other words like friendship, union, alliance, attachment, contact, cooperation, involvement, understanding, affinity, empathy, etc.

The images that come into my mind as I contemplate these words include social, business, filial and marriage relationships.

These foundational principles will serve all of these types of relationships very well.  It would, however, serve the marriage and its associated preliminary relationships – dating and courtship – the best.

This treatise will be devoted to marriage and its preliminary relationships of dating and courtship.  People are at the centre of relationships.  Whenever there is any form of meeting or association in which two people come together, there is a relationship either impending or already existing.  These principles will not just hold a relationship; they would grow the relationship to higher heights.  They would produce unprecedented enjoyment and profit for both parties in the relationship.

You are invited to study and practice these principles in all forms of relationships that you enter into.  They would raise the bar of your worth as an individual.  These foundational elements would increase the value of your relationships.  They would grow the very nature of godliness in you.

Continuing dating and courtship is recommended to those who are already married.  These principles will serve mostly those preparing to enter, or already engaged in, a dating and courtship relationship most.  It would be tremendous help to those who are already in marriage relationships.  For married couples, it would be the duty of each partner to begin to practice them so that your spouse “*see your good works and ……..”

To build bonds, alliances, affiliations or any form of relationship for that matter, requires mutual respect, honour, integrity, trust, faith in God, virtue, communication, clarity of purpose, forgiveness, independence, honour, love, etc.

What is common today is that someone sees a pretty looking woman or wealthy looking man and the only thought in that someone’s head is the frivolity associated with sexual intimacy and fancy clothing and jewelries.  This is the absurdity of our time.  The truth seems to be quite a lonely man.  In spite of that, it must be told if we would not collectively lose our sanity in the melee called fashion and vogue and modernity.

 I am constantly told that what I propose is old fashioned and therefore out of date or fashion.  Methinks, however, that what is out of fashion is the deviation from the divinely established order of matrimony and chastity.  Immorality which drives the changes made in the way we handle relationships today is what is out of fashion.

Any relationship founded on physical beauty and wealth is not just valueless, it is as dangerous as the regularly collapsing buildings in Lagos.

Mutual respect is one element that can help those in a dating relationship to avoid sexual intercourse which they are not at that time entitled to.  The foundational elements of a joyful relationship cannot be developed if there is premarital sex involved.  When premarital sex is involved, the eyes of the individuals concerned are usually closed. Avoidable pitfalls would not be seen, and nothing about the partner could be learned.

The saying that ‘love is blind’ could not be further from the truth.  What is blind is lust.  If we lust after a woman or man, we have no opportunity to consider the flip side of the person’s life and how their character traits would impact on our future and peace and happiness.  No wonder there is now an antithesis that says ‘….and marriage is the eye-opener’.  This is like putting the cart before the horse.  I would, without fear of contradiction, posit that “marriage should be blind but love should be wide awake”.

Relationship pages in the national dailies are replete with (especially) women crying about disappointment in and, confusion about dating relationships that have lasted between one to ten years.  As you read further, you see that they have been engaged or are engaging in premarital sex.  When the events start turning sour, the sound of their cries and the experience they share show that they never in the several years of the relationship learnt a thing about the character and disposition of their partner.  Yet the purpose of dating and courtship is to study the character of each other to see if they are compatible for a lifetime together.  Can you imagine such a waste of valuable time in an enterprise of ruin while hoping to build a relationship?

Bob Hope, one of America’s foremost comedians lived for several years with his wife Delores as a live-in girl-friend.  Both of them were famous in their acts in America’s movie colony, Hollywood.  But Delores wanted more than Hollywood approved live-in woman for a man.  She picked up her suitcase one day and left for her home in New York.  When Bob Hope returned home and learnt that Delores have left to the East, he took the next train available, cancelling lots of scheduled appearances.  On coming down from the taxi in front of Delores home and being received at the door by her, he proposed marriage to her there an then and they left the same evening to get married at Justice of the Peace office and returned back to Hollywood to live as husband and wife for the rest of their lives.

What lessons do we learn from Delores and Bob Hope?  When ladies offer some booty even with the intention of using it to nudge the man of their dreams, the men never place real worth to what they are getting.  Why should anybody invest more in something they can get for free?  When they cannot get it for free, they would do their duty to the source, they would work hard to qualify to obtain it.

I would like to assert that *“we would have many marriages happening; we would have more women attaining their desires with men if they would stop giving out samples.”*  Love is one product, they say, you cannot sell by giving out samples.  Ladies, if you see a man you truly admire and would like to marry, refuse him sex sampler and he would propose marriage to you within months of the dating and courtship relationship.  You can learn fast about each other if there is no sexual relationship involved before marriage.  It is actually premarital sex that prolongs dating and courtship.

Men don’t have the strength to hold back what a woman they truly adore wants.  In case the ladies have forgotten what they want, let me remind them again.  What women (girls) want is love or someone to care for them who could be their own.

One premarital sex produces woes for more than one woman.  Even when the man finally marries whoever he does, that woman would be constantly compared with the previous one(s).  Then you have some women who have lost her virtue and her desire and another whose marriage is a nightmare.

To your joyful relationships,

Francis,

PS:  To obtain your copy of the book “Foundation For Joyful Relationships”, email me at nmeribefrancis@gmail.com

Dating and Morality

There is a recurring decimal in all the relationship problems involving ladies.  The problem as I see it is that dating relationship is being mixed up with marriage relationship.  In my capacity as a relationship coach and counselor on family issues, youth, young single adults and parents, I have seen this mix-up as the underlying factor of most relationship problems.

My idea on this issue is that dating relationship is not a marriage relationship.  Sexual intimacy is appropriate in a marriage relationship between a man and woman.  Outside marriage, sexual intimacy is not acceptable.  I am unequivocal about this statement regardless of the possibility of being termed archaic, given the permissiveness and perversion of our time.  My license is based on the fact that if we analyze the cases of ladies who write to  relationship columns in newspapers and magazines and those who use my free and paid services to seek for counsel on their relationship problems as statistics, we can safely say that close to 80% of them are in relationship where they started having sexual intimacy with those they are dating.  In each of the cases, I see the cart before the horse instead of the horse before the cart.  No reasonable man worthy of a reasonable woman’s hand in marriage would marry a woman because of her sexual prowess.  In all marriages resulting from sexual intimacy as its foundation, a woman has ended up with a man who is not worthy of her if she was forced into the sexual act.  If she was not forced, then, you have “avis of identical plumage here”.

I would also like to state at the onset that when a relationship has shifted from dating to courtship, it is still not appropriate to indulge in sexual intimacies.  In fact, engagement is not a license for sexual intimacy with a man or a woman.  The only license for sexual intimacy with the opposite sex is MARRIAGE.  In this day and age, I would counsel that that marriage should be according to marriage ordinance (law) – legal marriage.  I state this hoping it is sounding strong enough because engagements have been broken off in the last minute.  If during the course of building a relationship with the opposite sex one starts sexual intimacy and the relationship is called off, the only person whose loss may be manageable is the man.  The woman loses completely and lives her life with a scar that hurts and hunts, even when she pretends it doesn’t.  The men do not go unscathed either.  They live with the thoughts of it and spend their lives comparing their earlier sexual encounters with the sexual performance of their wives. My experience dealing with relationship problems show that the men suffer also but without knowing its source.  “The rich also cry”, remember.

I don’t know how mothers forgot or stopped telling their daughters the well known line “boys want sex, they play at love and girls want love and they play at sex”.  In 90 plus percent of times when a boy/man say he loves a woman, he actually means ‘I want to have sexual intimacy with her’.  And when a girl/woman tries out her charm on a man, she is actually saying, ‘I need someone – the man she is targeting – to care for me.

The value of sexual intimacy in a relationship is either over-emphasized or wrongly emphasized or both.  Sexual intimacy is an integral part of the man-woman relationship.  It is, however, not the foundation.  All relationships between men and women when founded upon sexual intimacy must crumble regardless of how far it was taken to – dating, courtship, engagement or marriage.  This is the bedrock of almost all relationship challenges faced by mankind.  Such a relationship could be likened to a drunk driver who is “an accident looking for where to happen”.  Remember the house built by the foolish man on a pack of sand.  When the rains came, and the wind blew, and the house came crumbling down.  That’s what we get when the foundation of our relationship is sexual intimacy, no matter how thrilling.

We must have heard about people seeking for counsel or dissolution of their marriages in six months or less.  This is common in a sexual intimacy laden relationship that leads to marriage.

The foundation for lasting and joyful relationships that lead to growing marriage relationships are friendship, mutual respect, honour, faith in God and faith in one another, clarity of purpose, integrity and virtue.

Find a relationship that has endured and you will find these elements at its foundation.  Find a relationship that has collapsed and you’ll find that these virtues were lacking or were not strengthened over time.  Those men/women relationships that are still there that lack these elements are one of the hundreds of millions of marriage relationships that are mere caricature of the real thing.  Many involved confess being trapped, confused, and running high-blood pressure.  It takes a life time to sustain the marriage relationships that are well founded.  What is the hope for those built upon the sand of sexual intimacy?  Most relationships are hanging on because children are involved, or the partners are afraid of what people would say or being seen as failures. 

We all need to know that the evil of premarital sex is not a mere religious jargon.  It is a foundational issue for success in marriage relationships.  Avoidance of premarital sex would enable ‘girls to get what they really want which is who would care for them’.

I cannot remember the name of the movie where I heard this quotation.  I would use it anyway.  “Love is one product you cannot sell by giving out sample”.   The predominant mindset of the ladies, especially those who feel time is running out on them on account of age seem to be “give the man a ‘little booty’ if you want help them decide to marry you”.  Nothing can be further from the truth.  We have countless cases, but no one seem to be ready to learn from their past mistakes or the mistakes of their peers.  If you give a man a little booty, if you allow a man who has not signed the dotted lines before your Church or the Law (Registry) and your parents to see your nakedness or have sexual intimacy with you, you reduce the chance that he will marry you by 90%.  That is a big risk to run if you ask me. At the same time, you erode the elements of mutual respect, trust, faith, honour and virtue by 100%, meaning: if he ultimately marries you, there would be no strength in the foundation of that marriage to produce happiness and make it endure.

There is a higher doctrine of marriage the world needs to seriously be considering at this time.  This is the eternal dimension of marriage.  The popular thing known to man is “till death do us part”.  Marriage is part of the eternal plan of God for His children.  If we plan marriages on ‘till death do us part’ basis, we increase the chance of failure and heartache.  But if we plan marriage with a vision of the eternal relationship in mind, we would make the foundation sure before hand.

Sexual intimacy, no matter how thrilling, has no capacity to sustain a relationship beyond ‘one hour’.  I want to be quoted on this.  I want to be proven wrong on this with evidence.

The late Lucky Dube cried “my mother didn’t tell me the truth; my father didn’t tell me the truth….about the government”.  Mothers please tell your daughters the truth.  Fathers tell your sons the truth.  Let fathers tell their sons the reason why they have no respect or why they have great respect for their mothers.  Let them open up as to why they are not happy in their marriages to their sons’ mothers.

Mothers, instead of telling your daughters to “deal” with men because you suffered in their hands as a result of your own mistakes, help them to stop ruining their lives.  My people have a proverb that says, “The sheep is messing its tail up, thinking it is messing up the shed for its owner”.   When premarital sex is involved in a relationship it is the girls/women who lose the most whether it continued into marriage or failed.  The men always get what they want – ‘sex’ and the girls always lose what they really want – ‘love’ (care).

Sexual intimacy outside the bond of marriage is immorality. Dating is not a license for sexual intimacy.  Ladies, protect yourselves.

Cheers.

Francis

PS: To obtain your copy of the must read relationship book – “Foundation For Joyful Relationships”send an email to: nmeribefrancis@gmail.com

Foundation For Joyful Relationships

We all look forward to relationship with the opposite sex with much excitement. And we ought to, because our lives, progress, joys and blessings depend to a large extent on how we manage our relationship with the woman and the man we elect to live our lives with.

At the back of our minds is the question of how to do it right. This is because  relationship with the opposite sex has been the major source of our anxieties, sorrows, pain and anguish. Many people are hungry and thirsty for what is right – they need direction especially on the issue of relationship between the sexes. The definition of what is right and how to differentiate what is right from what is wrong has become a very critical issue in our modern times.

The book  “Foundation For Joyful Relationships” and this blog “Marryright” are timely because they address and would be addressing the fundamentals of a joyful relationship and the problems plaguing our society emanating from relationships with the opposite sex.

If we all have come to accept the fact that the family is very important to the society – that it is actually the basic but very important unit of the society where all values are to be inculcated, then, such a unit more than any other, must be built on a very solid foundation.

As dating/courtship relationship should normally precede marriage relationship, which eventually creates the family unit, then, it makes so much sense to pay attention to this book and this blog which will help to lay that solid foundation for all to achieve that peaceful and joyful relationship that we all look forward to in life.

We are at Success Publishers and Francis Nmeribe invite you to stay connected to this blog and the book to help you navigate with wisdom the relationship waters so that you will enjoy every bit of time in it and on earth.

To your Joy and Happiness with your loved ones,

Francis

PS: To obtain your copy of the must read relationship book – “Foundation For Joyful Relationships”send an email to: nmeribefrancis@gmail.com