Years ago, I lived in the Police barracks at Onitsha. There was this young man from Sapele residing with his mother and a stepfather close to my apartment. Anytime he notices Ibo boys around his sisters, he warns them not mess around with the Ibo boys because, as soon as they are ready to marry, their mother would bring a girl for them and tell them to marry her because she is the daughter of Mr. Okonkwo. He would then get into a story of how the mothers would try to entice their sons to marry this girl because she is Okonkwo’s daughter. Do you not remember Mazi Okonkwo who has lots of large farm lands, palm plantation, the first person to ride a Whitehorse bicycle in the community, she asks? Mazi Okonkwo has a lot of money. This girl’s mother is a well behaved woman. She is leader of the women in our Church. It was so funny then and we had good laugh.
In these modern times, the parameters are still the same except that you hear such things as “that guy’s/girl’s father is the Minister of Education, the Commissioner for Information, the Managing Director of this company and the Chairman of the other company or Bank. You hear things like, her mother is a relation of the Emir or the Obi or the Oba or the Amanyanabo of one place or the other. His father is a business magnet based at Aba, Onitsha, Ibadan, Kano or Lagos, etc. Two of his or her brothers live in the United States of America. His or her family name opens closed doors.
Nothing can be more absurd than basing a decision to marry someone on the above grounds or any other like it. The truth, however, is that many marriages were contracted in the past and are contracted today and would be contracted tomorrow on these flimsy bases. Sad as this may appear, it is, undeniably the fact.
One classic example of international flavour where marrying a family instead of your spouse produced a catastrophic disaster is in the marriage between Prince Charles and Lady Diana. Prince Charles was in love with Camilla but the Queen did not know her family. So she vehemently opposed the plan and then ensured that Prince Charles married Diana who is the daughter of a loyal military officer in the Royal Courts. The rest of the story is well known to all of us. The ruins produced by that marriage is still remembered annually. Prince Charles is now married to Camilla after the disastrous outing with Princess Diana.
Some years back, a transportation magnet whom I worked for in the Eastern parts had his daughter marry the son of a powerful merchant in the same city. The marriage which was arranged to ensure that the two young people do not bring in someone from a poor or unknown family more than for the benefit of the two young people lasted for only six months. This is in spite of the fact that there were cars and houses given as gifts from both families.
While the above real life scenarios are at the big time level with a lot of wealth and fame and name behind them all, there are several localized incidents of marrying because of a family name around the world today in the small villages and towns. The result is exactly the same.
One of the challenges faced by those marrying because of a family name is that a lady who chose to marry a man because of his family name most times wake up to find that she is sharing her beautiful life with black sheep of the family. Some of the time, the poor guy is a good soul, but the usually overbearing power of the head of the family robs the lady of an opportunity to have a husband in the real sense as everything the man has to do is to be cleared with the larger family. On the other hand, the man end up with the little brat of the family who has grown up to know and feel or know nothing except that the family money and name is talking and have to be listened to and waited upon. Some of the ladies never learned anything about relationships and how to build a home. Their parents family life more often than not are not to write home about and that is all she knows.
Marrying because of a family name is akin to marrying for money. He or she usually considers the other person as a gold digger. The one with the more powerful family name or who considers their own family more powerful than the other starts acting lord and master. Instead of a loving marriage relationship with friendship and mutual respect at the centre of it all, you have a master-slave relationship.
What is the way to go?
Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing family name and circumstance, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation. Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company. Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelt out, though. There are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone. These include friendship, mutual respect, honour, virtue, integrity, love, etc. Both parties ought to know and understand these fully. This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it. Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.