Archive for July 2012

Sex And Responsibility 3: Unplanned Marriage

July 26, 2012

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Francis Nmeribe, Author and Coach

One of the most challenging experiences of life is to have to be forced into marriage.  Some people are married under circumstances beyond their control.  One of the most causative agents of unplanned marriage is premarital or even extra-marital sexual intercourse.  It is the most woeful condition to be married outside one’s control.  But the truth is that there are lots of these kinds of marriages these days occasioned by improper sexual behaviour.

Sexual intercourse carries with it a responsibility any day and any time and at any place it is prosecuted.  One of such responsibilities of sexual intercourse outside the bounds of legal and lawful wedlock is unplanned marriage.

The problem of unplanned marriage is not diminished by the biological age of those involved.  This is because there are apart from physical maturity for marriage; there are also mental, emotional, spiritual and mindset preparation for marriage.  Getting married is a decision a person need to make consciously.  The fact that a man or woman made decision to get married whether early in life or later makes a difference in relation to what he or she brings to bear on the success of the marriage relationship.

Marriage on its own is a challenging experience even when it is well planned in advance.  The life experiences of those involved in a marriage relationship does not remove these challenges.  When marriage is entered into without the requisite mental, spiritual, emotional and mindset preparation and without a previous decision to get married, it produces sorrow and pain for all those involved. Here is some itemized list of issues with unplanned marriage:

  • Blames in place of empathy – Marriages whether planned or unplanned always have issues.  When it is unplanned, the parties involved instead of showing understanding when issues arise blame each other, the pregnancy, baby or others who are instrumental for making the marriage happen.  They end up blaming others but themselves. They forget that they are the ones that got involved in the sexual intercourse that precipitated the unplanned marriage in the first place.  The ability to empathize or show understanding is a requirement for the survival and thriving of the best of marriages not to talk of an unplanned one. An unplanned marriage would normally always result in an unhappy marriage.
  • Career disruption– When marriage comes into one’s life as an interference instead of as a planned act, the career path of both or one of the partners is disrupted.  The result is that marriage that should come into one’s life as an achievement to be proud of is now an act of shame and regret.  None of us want to regret our actions, right?
  • Social stigma – A marriage that is unplanned is usually widely known within the community and environs regardless of efforts to keep it secret. It raises questions as to the moral strength of the parties.  The parties in an unplanned marriage are usually stigmatized even when they are not the most morally lose couple around.
  • Abuse and Violence and Crime – When the normal pressures of married life present themselves to the unprepared couple, they usually react by lashing out at each other.  Verbal abuse leading to and/or violence on the spouse are some of the common consequences.  In many instances, this has led to crime of brutality and murder.  Some of these situations are even too tasking to those who prepared and made a decision to marry.  When it happens to this unprepared couple, the fallout is usually disastrous.
  • Unhappy marriage – Unplanned marriages raises questions about social, mental, spiritual, mindset preparation questions.  Because those involved have not prepared along these lines, marriage challenges make life unbearable for them.  They quarrel and are reactive to each other’s foibles instead of responding to such with maturity.  The result is that the couple would be unhappy for the period of their married life.  No hell is worse than an unhappy marriage.  The toll on both parties include early death, ill health conditions leading to such debilitating diseases as high blood pressure, hypertension, stroke, heart attack and paralysis to name but a few.

Sex and Responsibility 2: Unwanted Pregnancy

July 26, 2012

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Francis Nmeribe, Author and Coach

Unwanted pregnancy is what it is – unwanted pregnancy.  This occurs in every sexual intercourse whether within the bonds of matrimony or in the case of illicit, premarital or even rape sexual intercourse.  Nobody wanted a pregnancy in this case.  The perpetrators, culprits, rapists and aberrant actors involved in it wanted nothing like that.  All they wanted was to get to satisfy a sexual urge, animalistic or even purely devious.

Unlike in the case of a wanted pregnancy, unwanted pregnancy does not just do such small things as disfiguring the beautiful bodies of a young and beautiful woman.  In ninety nine per cent of cases, it ruins the life of the woman.  And in thirty to forty per cent of cases, it ruins the life of the man or young boy involved.  In fact, ruin is an understatement for most girls.  Their lives are ended in the process even while they are alive. 

When people are involved in unwanted pregnancies, they consider many terrible things including abortion and suicide.  Whatever happens and however it ends, there is a permanent scare on the young woman involved.  If she procures abortion and survives, she lives with the guilt of it all her life.  If she procures abortion and loses the capability to get pregnant again in future, she has a sorrow filled life ahead of her. 

There is a huge social stigma associated with unwanted pregnancy for unmarried women.  They carry the burden throughout their lives and most of the time, the men are spared.  Even if she got pregnant with one sexual intercourse and never got involved again throughout her life with any premarital or extramarital sex, she is still considered a lose girl and most times a whore.

Women bear the most and real pain of unwanted pregnancy, whether there was an abortion or the child is born.  Most of the time, the men go away and face their own lives while the woman would have to carry the pregnancy to full term, give birth to the baby and wean and nurse the baby to adulthood.  These are no mean tasks.  In fact, the heavens knew what a terrible and sometimes heavy responsibility that is involved in bringing forth an offspring, hence they planned it in a lawful and legal marriage bond and matrimony.

There are issues of painful nature associated with unwanted pregnancy even in a legal and lawful marriage relationship.  The couple may have had many children and would like to stop.  There may no resources to carter for an additional mouth.  The woman may be too sick to bear a pregnancy term.  The man may be too old to be able to provide for the younger offspring.

Here are some of the responsibilities we have to deal with when there is an unwanted pregnancy:

  • Illegal abortion
  • Death
  • Destruction of the womb leading to barrenness
  • Emotional and physical trauma
  • Stigmatization
  • Negative branding
  • Diseases
  • Disfiguring
  • Career disruption
  • Life disruption
  • Perpetual regret, sorrow and pain

This list is not exhaustive.  There are many sore and dreadful things associated with unwanted pregnancy that everyone involved should consider before engaging in sexual intercourse, even in a legal and lawful marriage.

Sex And Responsibility 1: Pregnancy

July 26, 2012

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Francis Nmeribe, Author and Coach

Most men and women want to have offspring.  In many cultures getting your wife pregnant is the proof of manhood.  Getting pregnant is the authenticity many a woman would ever see in her life time.  So becoming pregnant by a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is such a huge achievement that those women who have been with their husbands for more than six months without a pregnancy naturally get worried.

The pains of labour and the sickening season of a pregnancy may sire a woman and make her look ugly and cause her pain of no other comparable magnitude in her life, but she happily welcomes it.  She smiles really happily when kind comments are made of her pregnancy regardless of what she is going through.

In spite of the obvious disfiguring of the bodies of the once beautiful looking angelic women, they relish their condition and carry the burden of it with all fortitude.  The pain women go through during pregnancy and childbirth can only be imagined by men and those women who have never been pregnant.  Men and those women who have never been pregnant would never fathom it.  The loss of ideas on what pregnant women go through is more bellied by their courage and the elegance with which they go about their ordeal and term.  While some are sired by sickness unto the weakening and making of their bodies ugly, others glow in certain mysterious ways during their term.

Most pregnant women would have their babies through the normal birth process involving the tearing and widening of their vagina.  They get cuts and surgical stitches in the process.  It is a bloodied process with lots of physical pain.  A woman giving birth to a baby may scream, moan and cry and sometimes swear.  But as soon as she is delivered of the baby, she smiles and is relieved about ninety nine per cent of her pain.  Some come out of it with paralysis, bloodied eyes, impaired voice and movement.  There are several complications that a woman could get into in the process of carrying a pregnancy and childbirth.

This means that at most times, a couple is happy to welcome a child in spite of the pain and all they would go through to welcome and provide for the sweet gift of God we call child.

Itemized lists of some of the responsibilities a pregnant woman and her husband must consider are:

  • Additional mouth to feed and provide for which mean more income is required by the couple for their upkeep.
  • Time – love means time.  The couple would necessarily change their habits and use of time to provide for the newly born baby.
  • Sickness – probably one in ten women in the developing countries would have complications leading to a prolonged period of sickness.
  • Permanent and partial disability – during pregnancy and child birth, many a woman have been involved in life and mobility threatening conditions some of which they  carry throughout their lives.
  • Disfiguring – all the beautiful bodies are disfigured by pregnancy.  And after a couple of pregnancies, the women change so much that many an immoral man have left his wife to look for other younger women.
  • Career abandonment – for many women, pregnancy and childbirth have brought their careers to an end.

There is no intention here to discourage legally and lawfully married couples from pursuing one of the most important purposes of marriage – procreation.  Procreation is an ordination which mankind has been foreordained to.  We should look forward to it and take part in it as one of the ways to prove our authenticity and show obedience to the commandments of our creator.  However, it is important that those engaged in having sexual intercourse even in the sacred and approved place of marriage consider all and learn to be considerate with one another as they pursue the course of marital sexual intercourse.

For those who are unmarried or are involved in extramarital sexual intercourse, they should know that it is not right to bring a child into this world outside the bond of legal and lawful matrimony.  This has been established by social scientists as a major source of criminality as these out of wedlock children grow and see their situation and begin reacting to society.

Sex And Responsibility

July 26, 2012

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Francis Nmeribe, Author and Coach

Apart from the obvious moral issues raised by sexual intercourse at whatever level and place it is happening, the act of having carnal knowledge of a woman or man carries with it great responsibilities that seem largely ignored by those who indulge in it.

My position is that there is no justifiable reason for having sexual intercourse with a woman or man who is not your legally and lawfully wedded spouse. 

However, given the permissiveness and perversion of our times, and the plain fact that we know that a lot of sexual intercourse is going on among many people who have no legitimacy to have sexual intercourse, it has become important that we stop and analyze sex and responsibility.  This is done in the hope that one or two young persons and some adults may be assisted to deal with sexual issues with the sense of responsibility it requires. 

The news media is replete with stories of both morally accepted sexual activities and of course, lots of illicit sexual intercourse around us.  Presently and sadly too, sexual intercourse is no longer the preserve of the legally and lawfully married.  It has become a game that young people including preteens are engaged in and sometimes flagrantly, albeit to their individual and societal detriment. 

Here are some of the common challenges those who are engaged in sexual intercourse face.  Even those who are legally and lawfully married need to pay attention to these issues.  Some of these issues are of positive nature and some of negative nature.  Nevertheless, all these challenges are simply some of the responsibilities that those who take part in sexual pleasure must answer to.

  • Pregnancy
  • Unwanted pregnancy
  • Unplanned Marriage
  • Diseases
  • Emotional imbalance
  • Sorrow
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Shyness
  • Dishonour
  • Dependence
  • Pain

A sense of responsibility along the points outlined above would considerably assist all concerned especially young women who obviously have more to lose to handle their sexual nature with care, deference and decorum.  It would help men and boys engaging in sexual intercourse to consider the consequences before doing so.  When these teenage girls get pregnant, they are usually on their own, abandoned because the young man they had the sexual intercourse with is either a social or biological minor who cannot shoulder the responsibility of pregnancy.  Even when these pregnancies have been as a result of sexual intercourse with a grown man who does not think he should marry or that the girl he is involved with is a wife material, the woman or girl still bear more of the brunt. 

There is no justifiable reason to abandon a girl when she has gotten pregnant.  It takes a man and a woman to get pregnant.  Most people including the men who did the act would blame the woman or girl for allowing herself to get pregnant. 

Parents and communities and social groups should teach their men responsibility especially as it pertains to sexual intercourse.  They should encourage men responsible for pregnancies – in and out of wedlock – to take responsibility. This act would reduce the trauma and reproach of the woman and save the society a lot of the troubles that come with children resulting from unwanted or unplanned pregnancies.  The boy and girl or man and woman involved should be encouraged to marry and parents and society at large should help them settle.  The responsible management of these occurrences would reduce the multiplication of hoodlums and social misfits in our society.

Pregnancy, childbirth and rearing are projects ordained for two people – husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded.  The families, the schools and the Church should start teaching sexual responsibility and remove the silence which is sounding very loud as a voice of acquiescence to the reckless sexual activities of people – men and women, boys and girls and some who are still children.

The tag of modernity, signs of the times and etc, does not justify premarital and extramarital sex in any way at all, especially as we view sexual intercourse from the position of responsibility.

 

Sex And Responsibility

July 26, 2012

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Francis Nmeribe, Author and Coach

Apart from the obvious moral issues raised by sexual intercourse at whatever level and place it is happening, the act of having carnal knowledge of a woman or man carries with it great responsibilities that seem largely ignored by those who indulge in it.

My position is that there is no justifiable reason for having sexual intercourse with a woman or man who is not your legally and lawfully wedded spouse. 

However, given the permissiveness and perversion of our times, and the plain fact that we know that a lot of sexual intercourse is going on among many people who have no legitimacy to have sexual intercourse, it has become important that we stop and analyze sex and responsibility.  This is done in the hope that one or two young persons and some adults may be assisted to deal with sexual issues with the sense of responsibility it requires. 

The news media is replete with stories of both morally accepted sexual activities and of course, lots of illicit sexual intercourse around us.  Presently and sadly too, sexual intercourse is no longer the preserve of the legally and lawfully married.  It has become a game that young people including preteens are engaged in and sometimes flagrantly, albeit to their individual and societal detriment. 

Here are some of the common challenges those who are engaged in sexual intercourse face.  Even those who are legally and lawfully married need to pay attention to these issues.  Some of these issues are of positive nature and some of negative nature.  Nevertheless, all these challenges are simply some of the responsibilities that those who take part in sexual pleasure must answer to.

  • Pregnancy
  • Unwanted pregnancy
  • Unplanned Marriage
  • Diseases
  • Emotional imbalance
  • Sorrow
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Shyness
  • Dishonour
  • Dependence
  • Pain

A sense of responsibility along the points outlined above would considerably assist all concerned especially young women who obviously have more to lose to handle their sexual nature with care, deference and decorum.  It would help men and boys engaging in sexual intercourse to consider the consequences before doing so.  When these teenage girls get pregnant, they are usually on their own, abandoned because the young man they had the sexual intercourse with is either a social or biological minor who cannot shoulder the responsibility of pregnancy.  Even when these pregnancies have been as a result of sexual intercourse with a grown man who does not think he should marry or that the girl he is involved with is a wife material, the woman or girl still bear more of the brunt. 

There is no justifiable reason to abandon a girl when she has gotten pregnant.  It takes a man and a woman to get pregnant.  Most people including the men who did the act would blame the woman or girl for allowing herself to get pregnant. 

Parents and communities and social groups should teach their men responsibility especially as it pertains to sexual intercourse.  They should encourage men responsible for pregnancies – in and out of wedlock – to take responsibility. This act would reduce the trauma and reproach of the woman and save the society a lot of the troubles that come with children resulting from unwanted or unplanned pregnancies.  The boy and girl or man and woman involved should be encouraged to marry and parents and society at large should help them settle.  The responsible management of these occurrences would reduce the multiplication of hoodlums and social misfits in our society.

Pregnancy, childbirth and rearing are projects ordained for two people – husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded.  The families, the schools and the Church should start teaching sexual responsibility and remove the silence which is sounding very loud as a voice of acquiescence to the reckless sexual activities of people – men and women, boys and girls and some who are still children.

The tag of modernity, signs of the times and etc, does not justify premarital and extramarital sex in any way at all, especially as we view sexual intercourse from the position of responsibility.

 

Introducing Francis Nmeribe, The Relationship Expert Coach

July 23, 2012

Relationship Expert Coach

“I met this fine gentleman some years back and I have stayed close to him ever since. My attention was to him as a result of his firm commitment to his beliefs and his disposition to do what is right no matter what. I said to myself, “there is a man we need his ideas in a broken world like ours that we have today, who can indeed contribute to heal it.”

Francis O. Nmeribe, a Relationship Expert, a Life Coach, and a Personal Transformation Teacher, is one of the few experts on personal transformation that has ever come out of the continent of Africa. His years of working with young people has made him a Relationship Coach of preference among many.

If you want to know how to exist in a wonderful relationship, one devoid of secrets, selfishness, misunderstanding, disrespect as well as disloyalty, Francis is the best person I know you can talk to.

His transformational ideas about Relationships, Dating, Courting, Marriage, Sex, are deeply rooted in spiritual living. His ideas are so simple, intriguing, yet impacting. His ideas help both the young and the old live very decent and happy lives. You can view some of his transformational ideas here: https://marryright.wordpress.com

In his bestseller book “FOUNDATION FOR JOYFUL RELATIONSHIPS” Francis penned this words that caught my attention:

“Any relationship founded on physical beauty and wealth is not just valueless, it is as dangerous as the regularly collapsing building in Lagos.”

Weaving his ideas with sense of humor, Francis communicates effectively with listerners. This book is a “must read” for all Singles Adults and Married Couples. You can get a copy of this book by going here: http://www.successpublishers.com.ng

My friend Francis, for I am proud to call him my friend, conducts seminars and coaching programs on Relationships and Life. To meet Francis, one-on-one, and participate in his coaching program or seminars, meet him here: http://www.successpublishers.com.ng. Email Francis at francisnmeribe@yahoo.com


Nduka B. Ojaide
Nigeria’s Foremost Personal and Business Development Coach

You Said That Marriage Is An Act Of Faith And Not Money: How Can You Marry Without Money?

July 20, 2012

We have had princes and princesses and sons and daughters of the wealthy who could not marry. We have had people of wealth and means who could not even chat a woman up or have a man pay attention to them. We have had many of these people with a lot of money who lived and died single. We have many of such who could not make successful marriages. We have many high and mighty, wealthy and educated that could not raise a family or posterity they could be proud of on earth and, of course, in the presence of God. For these, money never was their problem because they had money in abundance.

In the same vein, we have had many people without money or who are poor who could not marry or are also unable to chat a woman up or be desired by any man. There are several poor people who could not raise a proper family they could be proud of just as there has been the rich and wealthy who could not also do the same.

What all these point to is that, logically speaking, money is not a catcher for marriage. What I have learned from my own experience is that the decision to get married is not an issue of the availability of money but that of desire. Desire is the first principle of successful living and wealth creation. It is desire that pushes for the achievement of anything in life. If you want something so badly, then you always ultimately get it. But if you do not want something, even if it is dropped at your feet, you have no motivation to do anything about it.

Think about it this way. The first time you did something important for your welfare and development, did you do it because you had money or did you do it because it is what you wanted? Every time I have done this test with people, it is always that they obtained something because it is what they wanted rather than what money they have leading them to go for what they got.

I know people who are married whose monthly income is less than half of many who would not marry because they did not have enough money to feed themselves not to talk of adding another mouth in the place of a wife and possibly children.

Even with all the money in the world, there is no guarantee that your marriage would be happy. The things that guarantee peace and happiness in marriage are ninety per cent attitude, nine and half per cent decision. Other variables share the remaining half per cent with money in contributing to peace and happiness in marriage.

In the foundation for joyful relationships, friendship, mutual respect and faith in God are tops to what people should learn and acquire during dating and courtship if they want to be happy in their marriage.

If you need help with your dating and marriage relationship, contact me at francisnmeribe@yahoo.com

Is it thoughtful for a lady to wait for a man living abroad with a white woman for a green card?

July 15, 2012

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Coach Francis Nmeribe

This is one of the most recurring questions in pre-marriage relationship in these the modern times.  The implication of this is that it is a widespread issue, regardless of the almost clearly absurd nature of it.

It is a continuing wonder for many who see the irrationality of this act that one would wait for someone residing thousands of miles across the Atlantic Ocean in the name of a claim by one or both of the parties about love.  Even within religious organizations that practice strict rule of chastity, people so separated are not always able to keep up the wait.  Outside these religious organizations, among no other people can you find a person who would wait and stay faithful in a relationship when so separated by time and distance.

Now when such a person involved is co-habiting with another person of the opposite sex for the purpose of getting a residence permit, it stands to reason that such a relationship is already terribly flawed for success.

Here are some of the basic challenges of such a relationship:

  • Lack of trust – a man involved in this kind of arrangement is already clearly untrustworthy.  He is a dupe.  Even if he really came back to marry the woman from his native land, he has deceived another person to be able to do so.  He has presented falsehood in order to obtain his residence permit for stay in that country.
  • It leads to murder – On many occasions, many men who tried to double cross the woman after using her to get their residence permit have met their waterloo by death by hired assassins or by the hand of the woman involved.
  • Diseases – There are cases of the men coming away with sexually transmitted diseases in the bargain.  Most of the women who enter into this kind of arrangement marriage knowingly are usually women of easy virtues.  Where the man have succeeded in escaping with his loot of resident permit or green card, he usually ends up with infections which he passes on to the waiting woman he had left waiting for him in his country.
  • Comparison – Where the men had come back and married the waiting woman, they have lived everyday comparing the sexual and other performances of his wife with the performances of the other woman.
  • Disappointment and heartbreak – In most cases, they man never really come back.  By the time the woman realizes what has happened to her, she feels the disappointment and heartbreak for having waited in vain.  She feels the loss of the opportunity to marry someone else which may have certainly come her way.

My general counsel on the issue of waiting for someone who had to get something else achieved  before marrying you is to not to wait.  If a relationship is not going to result in a marriage, then find a gentle way to severe it and move on with your life.

So, it is not thoughtful to have hope in a guy that stays abroad with a white woman in order to get his green card.

Francis Nmeribe your kind hearted coach

July 15, 2012

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When dating is it compulsory to give hugs and kisses?

July 12, 2012

Hugs and kisses are intimate acts of love and affection. They are used to express love and deep affections between people. In some cultures light kisses involving pecks on the cheek and light lips to lips touches are part of the normal way of greeting people especially close associates and family members.

Hugs and kisses are part of the deep expressions of intimacy appropriate only in a marriage relationship. While a hug may easily pass as an innocent act between two people of the opposite sex, a kiss cannot pass the same test.

In a dating relationship, hugs and kisses are not only inappropriate, they are fraught with the danger of leading you on to more acts of intimacy including fornication, also called premarital sex and rape.
Some of the common questions young people ask about hugs and kisses include:

• How would it be possible to know that someone loves you if you cannot hug and kiss him or her?

• What harm is there in an innocent kiss?

• How can an ordinary hug hurt?

It would interest you to know that hugs and kisses no matter how intimate they are or become as the relationship advances, are not proof of anything in connection to love. A kiss is just a kiss. If it is not related to the culturally mandated greeting, then the only place that it is a worthy act is in marriage. Outside marriage, a kiss barefaced immorality and should be seen as such at all times.
There are lots of harm in a kiss. A kiss is not innocent at anytime. It is either a greeting in some cultural setting or an act of intimacy expressing affection that is only appropriate in a marriage relationship. Outside culture and marriage, a kiss is as dangerous to your relationship and sense of self-worth as is premarital sexual intercourse. This is because, that kiss that appeared innocent to you can easily lead to breaking the law of chastity or even date rape. A kiss is always a premeditated act. It is usually thought of in advance of its occurrence.

An ordinary hug can hurt like fire. It can lead straight to unwanted pregnancy, unplanned marriage, date rape, unplanned sexual act. When you hug in an intimate setting, the contact with the body of the opposite sex sets off some brain activities that discharge the feel good chemicals into your blood stream which immediately loosens up your defences.

On close contact with the body of the opposite sex, the nose of a man picks the smell of the female body which has the capacity to communicate excitement to your brain. Normally you want more. You caress, you squeeze harder. The touch of a man to some parts of the body of a woman puts her on fire and weakens her defences and at the same time causes her to respond in ways that encourage the man to go further.

Women naturally do not go out of their way to want to have sex. They are usually tuned in by small and sometimes innocuous acts that mean different things to her from what the man is reading. Date rapes have occurred because the woman only suddenly realized that they have gone too far at the point where the man could not stop himself again.

So, it is not even appropriate to hug and kiss when dating not to talk of such acts being compulsory.

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