Sex and Responsibility 9: Dependency

Sexual intercourse creates a dependency syndrome on those involved in it especially women. The companionship of men and women is a very good thing. But the dependence of one on the other for how to live one’s life even in marriage is wrong. One of the key elements of the Foundation for Joyful Relationships is independence. Partnerships are made stronger if both partners have a life of their own which they are offering to the relationship. This is why the education of women is considered the most important education any nation can provide for the good of the society.

Every party to any form of relationship be it business, social, religious, dating and marital should be independent of each other to be able to find joy, peace and happiness in that relationship. There is no doubt in my mind that some readers of this script are already querying how a husband and wife should not be dependent on each other. Well, if you are asking, be patient and read on for you would find the answers.

Some synonyms of dependency are addiction, craving, enslavement and reliance. These are no doubt, obviously negative words. They simply denote that anybody afflicted with the attitude of dependency is suffering some addiction, is in slavery or have a craving and we all know that cravings are used to refer to inappropriate desires or wants. We have learned from experience that we cannot rely on the arm of flesh for our economic, social and spiritual security. Each person must be worthy to enter the kingdom of God on their own capacity and of and by themselves. No father, mother, husband, wife or whosoever can do it for any other.

One of the reasons we enter into a relationship with people is so we can fulfill the main purpose of our life which is to learn to be happy. We need to realize that relationships as a path to happiness is just a path. It is not the only path. The studies of happiness have also revealed that no one can make you happy. Happiness has been found to be a choice which an individual has to make and cannot be dependent on any other person outside of oneself. If you understand happiness as an individual choice, then you can understand the assertion that all parties to a relationship should be independent for them to hope to achieve the corporate happiness that is possible in the relationship. It simply means that your dependence on a husband or wife or any relationship partner for your happiness is misplaced hope that is bound to harm us ultimately.

Sexual intercourse is a major harbinger of dependency. This is regardless of whether the sexual intercourse is obtained in holy matrimony or in illicit sexual activity.

Perhaps if one is enslaved to a legally and lawfully wedded spouse, it may be pardonable. It is an unpardonable self-inflicted addiction and enslavement to be involved premarital and extramarital sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse produces a sense of entitlement, especially in a woman. The moment a man starts asking a woman for sexual intercourse, most women erroneously feel that that is a sign that the man needs them. Men do not set out in need of women in their natural state. They set out to get sex.

Sexual relationship for a woman naturally – with the exception of professional prostitutes – is done with her whole being – mind, body, heart and soul. Men see and do sexual intercourse with only their mind. Sex is strictly a mental activity for a man. A man can get sex with as many women as his mind can imagine and fantasize on the pleasure of it. This is why women end up with the dependency syndrome when they start having sexual intercourse with a man. And this is why they are usually the worst hit when the relationship breaks down. They lose everything – mind, body, heart and soul – which they had put in.
Even the women we see as wayward or in prostitution regardless of their class – whether big time city girls or the hotel based prostitute or the neighbourhood generous sex-giver – are merely reacting to the bad deals they had in the hands of the men they had depended on who have abandoned them for sexual intercourse with other women.

We all know that a sense of entitlement is a dangerous attitude that always ends in sorrow and shame and this is regardless of whether it is the man or woman that feels entitled to something or somebody’s time and resources.

The lowest form of life is not the life of poor people. The lowest form of life is the life of any man or woman, no matter their education and status that depends on somebody or something be that a husband, money, property or car for their happiness.

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