Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Good-Things-to-Come

July 17, 2010

Good-Things-to-Come.

How To Prepare Your Children For Life

June 3, 2010

My experience around Africa and in some parts of the world is that nowadays nobody is teaching our children our ways. There are no conscious efforts to have our children get the right type of education that would ensure that they have a chance to survive, not to talk of thriving. We have even lost the only basic element that is part of the colonially bequeathed education – integrity. What we are concerned about today is to get our children to pass examinations and get paper qualification.

For this purpose, parents have bought certificates for their children; they have arranged to have other people write examinations for their children. The latest in vogue now is to arrange and pay money to unscrupulous school teachers and other special classes to arrange for “special centres” for their children to write examinations where answers are written down for them on the board.

The above is the reason we have university graduates who are armed robbers and kidnappers because they cannot afford to survive in the real world as soon as they left schools. In most African cities today, there is no chance of survival for those who had only secondary school education. This is because; they merely got poor reading and writing skills for the period they spent in schools.

To survive in this world today, and this is would be more complex tomorrow, we need life skills education and personal development. While life skills would ensure that we have the capacity to provide service to others and get paid doing so, personal development would ensure that our mind and heart and mental faculties are developed to be able to think and create products, programmes, ideas and services that would enhance the quality of our lives.

What is being advocated here is that from secondary school level or as early as they can handle it, our children should be thought how to produce food, even if you are living in the cities this can still be thought with backyard gardens or hanging plants in baskets and pots right inside your rooms or by the wall. They should be thought how and why to provide service to other people. They should be thought house/home operation skills such as plumbing, electrical wiring and fittings, carpentry and furniture maintenance, decoration, cooking, sanitation, etc. This is one of the major things that differentiate the advanced and advancing societies from us.

They should be prepared to know that from age 12 or as soon as is practicable, they should be start making a living and start saving for their education and other voluntary services or for supporting the family. This is irrespective of the wealth or riches already existing in the family.

They should be taught the importance of reading and writing down their experiences, maintaining journals of all their activities, experiences, feelings, thoughts and events in the life of their family and the community.

They should be taught very early in life to love studying the scriptures and other motivational books so that they can gain wisdom required for relationships, associations, team building, networking etc, required for a wholesome community living in this day and age. The opportunities are limitless.

Money is a critical element in human interaction. Money is used to create wealth. It is surprising that our people spend between 12 and 16 and sometimes 20 years in schools and are not taught a single thing about how to create or accumulate wealth. As a result, our people come into living and do nothing except to “pursue money”. This is the bane of our society today. This is why our children are taking to crime as a sign that they are smart. This is why ‘our leaders’ or those who masquerade as such only loot the treasury. It is all because they never learned how to create or accumulate wealth. They think wealth could be stolen. Being fools, they perish with the money they looted from the public treasury and the treasury of their organizations.

With life skills education and personal development, we would engender an evolutionary trend that would make this world answer the end of its calling and glorify the name of God, our Creator.

People in our own generation and the current generation have lost it. But we can ensure that our children do not lose it also by providing these two types of education for them.

What do you think? Do you have ideas and strategies to achieve this idea?

If you would like to get help in the daunting task of raising your family, we can help you. Success Publishers publishes success strategies on relationships, personal transformation and development and wealth creation.

Wrong Reasons for Getting Married – (4) Marrying For Physical Attraction

April 10, 2010


Physical attraction is quite important in any relationship.  One young man once said that he is prepared to suffer any hell in the hands of his wife, provided she is a beauty to walk the road with and make others jealous.  There is a popular saying that “the eye must first eat of any delicacy before the mouth”.  This is a way used to express the feelings people have in their hearts about the place of physical beauty or attraction, especially the relationship of the sexes.

A lot of people have fallen for the physical attraction trap in their relationship only to wake up on the other side to see that they have been ‘holding the tail of a gecko’, an expression indicating that one has no substance in his or her possession.

Physical attraction and all that is connected with it is the most transient of all elements in human relationships.  In one hand, it usually does not last beyond a few months in a marriage relationship.  The feeling it excite is easily overwhelmed by the demands of marriage that very few see it after a few months of marriage.  On the other hand, it is easily destroyed after one or two pregnancies for the women.  For the men, lack of money easily erodes whatever physical attraction a man brings to a relationship.

Lots of people have been known confessing after a divorce or other major marriage challenges, suddenly realizing how pretty or handsome their spouse or ex-spouse is.  This meant that physical attraction was not able to sustain the relationship during the period of hardship or other relationship problems that always arise.

Physical attraction is a good garnishing for all relationships.  However, it remains a garnishing and nothing more.  It can be compared to the roof of a building.  A building does not stand on its roof.  It stands on its foundation.

The brain is the most important sex organ in the human being.  With this in view, the real value physical attraction in a relationship further diminishes.  Instead of physical attraction, can we try mental attraction?  We can use our brain to create and improve our attractiveness and how attractive a person appears to us.

What is the way to go?

Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on physical attraction, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation.  Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company.  Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28).  This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelt out, though.  Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”.  These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone.  Both parties ought to know and understand this fully.  This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it.  Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.

Wrong Reasons for Getting Married – (3) Marrying Because Time Is Against Me

April 10, 2010

How time flies.  Ladies as young girls had dreams of rosy relationships with the opposite sex culminating in marriage, joyful sexual experiences, childbirth and family life.  Most of these dreams are really virtuous.  Some have dreamed of not having any premarital sex and for those beautiful experiences of entering into their married life a virgin and the first night of sexual intimacy with their husbands on their honeymoon.  For many these dreams come true.  For many more, these dreams end up as a mirage.  They do not just end up not realizing the dream of a virgin marriage; they come to the point where marriage would seem completely untenable.

As these girls grow into womanhood 18 years and about, they are either lured by over-bearing and patronizing men who confuse them with lots of gifts or fake affections, which take away their virginity and let them know afterwards that it was just a game.  Or sometimes, peer pressure impress upon them that virginity is not a big deal after all.  These young and growing women either get confused or decide to play the game.  One mistake and another, they lose their focus, their grace and the dream of a virgin bride vanishes.  Then the opportunity to even marry in their prime also vanishes as one blunder follows another.  Before they are able to see what is coming, they are in their thirties.

Some got involved in academic pursuits and made decisions that meant that marriage must wait.  Others pursued careers paths or professions that took many years to reach the point of settling down.  In places like Nigeria, industrial action by the academic staff and student and political unrests may mean that academic calendars get disrupted for several years.

For many a man, especially in the third world countries, they may want to make it big first before thinking of getting married.  In some cultures, the men would still be struggling until they are forty or more before discovering that the time is far spent.

At this point, they become desperate.  They want the marriage thing to happen now.  In this state of mind, the appropriate reasons for marriage are not considered as important as being married is. In this situation, the foundation for joyful relationship, a condition precedent, is no longer a consideration.

Many a lady has in response to the situation, pushed the men to engage in premarital sex with them with a view to making them decide fast.  This booty-giving usually backfires.  But when they work and make the man decide, either because the woman is pregnant or other reasons, you have a marriage that is entered into for the wrong reason.  The attendant challenge with marriage under these circumstances is that the foundation for the relationship to be joyful is not there.  It is not laid, in the first place.  This is the time when you have marriage of ‘strange bedfellows’ outside political philosophy.

In most cases, it is better that someone stay single than to get involved in this type of relationships.

Some of the challenges faced by men are that when they finally wake to get married, there is nobody within their age group available.   They end up marrying someone in a different generation with them.  The generation gap is usually a difficult issue to manage.  While the man is probably interested in highlife music, the woman is interested in rap music.  While the woman is relating with younger generation and finds it hard to accommodate the friends and associates of the man, the man is having a hard time accepting the woman’s friends also.

One such man whose case came to the limelight had within the first few weeks of the marriage indicated that the marriage would not work because of how he interpreted the wife’s behaviour.  And it did not work.

What is the way to go?

Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on the fact that time is running out, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation.  Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company.  Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28).  This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelt out, though.  Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”. These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone.  Both parties ought to know and understand this fully.  This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it.  Marrying for any other reason is like standing a building on its roof.

Wrong Reasons for Getting Married – (2) Marrying For Money

April 10, 2010

This is the second in the series of wrong reasons for getting married that we are discussing.  Money is critical to all development; be they scientific, social and emotional.  However, marriage, and I mean marriage between a man and a woman is a fundamental business to all life’s endeavours.  The only wise reasons for marriage that I can vouch for are companionship and procreation and for me, it should be in that order.  The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible state that “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.  For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up”.

In modern day scriptures, we learn a new dimension – the eternal destiny of marriage relationships.  Even at this level, the ultimate end is the eternal companionship of a male and a female with potential to rise to godhood.

It is on these premises that marrying for money is situated as a wrong reason for marrying somebody.  Marrying for money is a major challenge to the joy and peace of a relationship.  It is perpetrated by both men and women.  You are familiar with phrase “gold digger” label on some women or men in relationships where one of them is considered rich and the other poor.  Granted that it is not in all cases that a poor marry a rich that is gold digging situation, however, many people, men and women at par, have made decisions to marry another person because he or she is rich.

Experience has shown that this is one of the greatest mistakes a person could make in a relationship.

Some of the challenges we have seen include the fact that riches or a lot of money is transient.  There are no guarantees that the money would remain with the person.  There is a saying that “a fool and his money are easily parted”.  If the one you married for his or her money is a fool, and since it is his or her money that brought you to the relationship, it then means that you could be out there a widow or widower with a living spouse before you could settle down in the marriage.

In other situations, gold diggers are easily noted and the gold mine usually starts behaving like a goldmine owner.  Remember the sufferings that those who work in gold and diamond or even coal mines in Zimbabwe, South Africa and Enugu-Nigeria go through.  That is exactly what would befall the gold digger.  No matter whatever love that has been proclaimed in the process of contracting that relationship, it would always wither away easily and the master-slave relationship would take over.

There are also cases where the two scenarios above do not quite apply.  But those in the relationship, especially the one who took the decision, find out, and sooner than later, that the money is not what he or she really needed.  The money is not able to be a caring man or woman with capacity to take care of the emotional needs of the one.

The pitiable condition of those who marry someone for this very wrong reason is better imagined than experienced.  Relationship experts and marriage counselors would tell you from their experiences that the emotional trauma and devastation that follow the realization that the money and whatever lures it held soon become a phantom in a painful imagination.

What is the way to go?

Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on money, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation.  Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company.  Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelt out, though.  Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”.  These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone.  Both parties ought to know and understand this fully.  This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it.  Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.

Building Joyful Marriage Relationships

March 18, 2010

The aim of Marryright blog  is to help those engaging in relationships targeted at marriage to do so in a way that has a chance to guarantee joyful marriage relationship.  As I work on my own marriage relationship with my wife, Ada, I see situations and opportunities that produce or enhance our joys and peace.  One opportunity which has impressed itself on my mind strongly recently is doing physical exercise together with my wife and sometimes, as a family.  I decided to share this on this blog today so that those who are already married could try it to improve their relationship while those who are working at a marriage bound relationship could use it to make sure a degree of success in the growing relationship.

My wife is fond of sports.  In fact, she had a sports career in the Police.  When we married, I told her I wanted her to stay as fit and trim as she is without adding  much weight.  She kept her sports work habit of daily fitness activity.  She soon won me over.  I became a fitness buff myself, exercising regularly and encouraging anybody who would listen to me to do so. I was enthralled by how well and fit and healthy these regular exercises made me feel.  Then I started researching on the subject and discovered a whole new world of wellness and I have since stuck with it.

Right now in our family of five – three children and the two of us – there are five bicycles.  My wife and I do separate and sometimes joint workouts sometimes in the mornings or evenings.  At least once a week, mostly Monday nights after the spiritual side of our Family Home Evening, the family file out to the compound and we either jug or ride our bicycles.

Sometime now, I am beginning to notice that hours and days following each fitness activity for my wife and I or with the family, I feel healthy, clear-headed and more attached and agreeable with my wife.  Sometime ago, there was some friction in our relationship.  This produced about a week of pain for me and am sure for my wife.  Then, we found a way to get back together and we had occasion shortly after that to exercise together.  This couple fitness activities created such a connectedness between us that I discovered anew how much I adored my wife and I was able to tell her so which made her glow.  Disagreements are easily sorted out, I also discovered, during those weeks we were able to get together for fitness activity as a couple or as family.

As we all know, one of the challenges of married couples is being able to sit down together and really talk with each other.  Talking to each other is easily accomplished.  But talking with each other is a harder thing to do.  I discovered that after an hour or even less fitness activity together, we can seat on the floor or ground for another hour or more talking, some of the times, excitedly.  I have equally found out that discussing with our children are made easier after running or cycling together for some time in the evenings.

Some of the time, we have exercised in our bedroom nude.  This has on each occasion produced wonderful moments after the exercises.

Dating and courtship partners can start this fitness activity as part of their dating and courtship activity.  It would not just help you to be healthy, it would build a connectedness that would help you make the decision for each other.  However, do not exercise in the nude in the bedroom with a man or woman who has not been legally and lawfully wedded to you.

I invite married couples to try everything proposed in this article and give me a feedback by commenting on this topic.  Also, if you are already doing this with results that authenticate what I have written here, could you let me know by commenting on this blog.  If you have done this without it impacting positively on your romantic moments, let me also know by a comment on this blog.  Dating and courtship partners, let me know by a comment or two when you add this to your relationship activity and what results you get.

Wishing you Joyful Relationships.

Cohabitation: A modern form of courtship?

March 8, 2010

Dear Associates,

I found this article in the Daily Trust newspaper published at Abuja.  It made an interesting reading for me.  I thought I should share this with you.  The two perspectives given here make healthy argument.  However, it is easy to see that the school of thought backing cohabitation has lots of flaws which would assist our blog readers to make wise decision. 

In my book, Foundation For Joyful Relationships, I made it clear that “love is one product you cannot sell by giving out samples”.  I wonder what any man will think about a woman who have had to co-habit with several men while looking for suitable men. 

At Marryright we boldly state that cohabitation is nothing but immorality and whoredom.  Apart from that, cohabitation and premarital sex reduces the chance for marriage relationships to survive.  Nobody learns anything during sexual intimacy.

Read on.

Just looking at a marriage calendar the other day, I noticed the couple were elderly and could easily pass for my parents; they could have been renewing their vows but they weren’t, the couple had just gotten married for the first time. The calendar read “Naomi and James. We have been like this for 18 years”. The couple have had 3 kids in these years, they just never bothered to tie the knot; after all what’s in a piece of paper that says ‘we are married’ when they have lived happily with 3 kids without it. I was later told the man used to have a wife, and since marrying another woman will have amounted to bigamy, he rented an apartment for Naomi and has been living a double life until the demise of his first wife which forced him to legalize his union with Naomi, the calendar wife. My grandmother often said that if you want a man to marry you, then wisdom dictates some measures of ‘playing hard to get,’ and that specifically includes avoiding cohabitation as much as possible. Today however, cohabitation is gradually replacing marriage. It has become the first step live ins take and irrespective of age, culture or religious beliefs, a lot of people are doing it. I read somewhere that cohabiting helps one figure out what it takes to be married to your partner, so if things do not work out, breaking up would be easy as there will be no need to seek legal or religious permission to dissolve the union. And I thought wow! Who benefits from this arrangement? Definitely not the woman I must say. I thought that most women lived with their boyfriends because they believe it is a commitment of some sort, or a prelude to marriage; they do not for once think that most men regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of a long-term commitment. I keep recalling an American psychologist and TV host, Dr Phil’s response to a woman who complained that her live-in boy friend of 8years and father of her 2 kids had refused to legalize their union. Dr Phil looked sternly into the woman’s eyes and asked, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” But when I asked a friend about cohabitation, she looked at me as though I was crazy and boldly said if she didn’t live with a man for a certain period of time then she definitely couldn’t marry him. “How am I supposed to know if everything is in its right place or he is man enough?” Lizzy asked But does that necessarily solve the problem? I pondered. May be in some ways as Lizzy asserted, such as whether both parties are sexually productive or not. But on the other hand, for a woman who hopes to leap into marriage from this arrangement, it only tells the man and his relatives how lose or desperate she is (except in certain situations where customs apply). Even though cohabitation is common in the western world, it is gradually creeping into the African way of life and crippling its values. Sofi Adams an Industrial Attachment staff with a bank in Abuja said she used to visit her boy friend in Lagos and spend the weekend with him. “He didn’t actually ask me to move in because we lived far apart but he used to send money for my flight ticket to go to Lagos for weekends”. The arrangement worked well as Sofi and her boy friend planned to get married after her HND. “We would have married earlier but he insisted I concentrate on my studies and promised to marry me as soon as I graduate from school”. According to her, everything was going so well until the day she went browsing and low and behold! She saw his wedding pictures posted on his face book wall. “He only told me he was travelling out of the country for a few weeks so I wasn’t surprised when i couldn’t reach him on his phone, unknown to me he had changed his number”. Sofi learnt a few weeks after the wedding that her boyfriend’s family didn’t approve of their living arrangements, so thought her unworthy. “His sisters were nice to me whenever I visited for the weekend so I never thought his family disapproved of our arrangement which led him into marrying without my knowledge.” While religion and some customs may disapprove of prenuptial living arrangements, some traditions actually encourage it in order to ascertain the fruitful capability of the woman coming into the family. In fact, some extended families insist the woman gets pregnant for the son of the soil before she is welcomed into the family. “I know that in my place, it’s preferable for the woman to get pregnant before the actual wedding so as to ascertain if her womb is fruitful or not” middle aged Oladokun said. According to him, most girls might have had abortions during their university days and won’t tell their partners until they get married. “That is when the doctor tells you that your wife can not get pregnant or that it is dangerous for her to get pregnant due to the numerous abortions she underwent in the past” he explained. Kate Usigbe is a corps member who thinks living with a boyfriend is very economical. “I did it when I was in UNN (University Of Nigeria Nsuka) and if my present boyfriend had been in this town, I wouldn’t have had accommodation problems for he will gladly ask me to stay with him” Kate, who now serves in Abuja said there is nothing wrong in two lovers having a temporary living arrangement before they tie the knot. She believes it is the modern form of courtship. “You cannot know if the two of you are compatible by just seeing each other, and asking of his/her likes and dislikes. You have to live with the person to know if he snores or is a slob, or if he is really the neat guy he may have portrayed himself to be, he may lie to you about this vital information and you will never know the truth if you don’t live with him.” In cases where the couple decide to part ways due to incompatibility issues, the woman may be more at the receiving end as society frowns at her and sees her action as merely cheap and sacrilegious while the man easily substitutes her for a ‘more decent’ girl to marry. According to Jibrin Sanusi he will never marry someone who has probably lived with 3 other men in the name of compatibility experiments. “What if you find out after the whole living together experiment that you two are not compatible? To me it is the lady that losses because she will have to pack out, to start looking for someone more compatible”. Gloria Amos believes that once in a while ladies can visit their boyfriends just to spend some time together but totally disapproves of live ins. “Visit for weekends, yes. But not moving makes the arrangement more permanent. You don’t have to live with him, but you can sleep over once in a while. That will help you determine whatever you wish to determine”. Gloria added that most girls are trapped in a marriage today due to their failure to determine the competence of their husbands prior to marriage. “I believe in look before you leap because if the man turns out to be impotent you will either get out of the marriage or go into infidelity,” she said. Ibrahim Adara sees no difference between a live in and girls who stay weekends at a boyfriends’ apartment. “What is the difference between miss A who lives with her boyfriend over the weekend and miss B who lives with him seven days a week? Most girls fall under miss B category and I don’t see the difference between them”. Ibrahim confessed how most men; especially bachelors are merely looking for help with the house chores, the cooking and specifically someone to warm their beds at night without commitment. “They keep them and make them go through abortions and eventually keep her as a concubine while he goes after a young wife in his village.” I have heard that living together decreases the chances of divorce as the couple must have known each other well enough and possibly learnt to accommodate and tolerate one another during their prenuptial experiment. But I for one do not think there is a relationship between prenuptial cohabitation and having a successful marriage. If that is the case, why the high rate of divorce in the so called civilized world?

Re: True love, a love that lives on, even when the butterflies fade

March 2, 2010

Dear Friends and Associates,

I found this entry in a blog I follow and considered it very beautiful and good for you to share with me.  I have included it with my comments.  I invite you to comment on both the blog and my comments underneath it.  Thanks as always for your support.

Francis

I have loved before. With an ill informed sort of love, but yes, I have loved. I used to think that was all that mattered. I had been forced to stay with someone for years that I did not love, and when I was able to be with someone I felt overwhelmingly passionate about, I thought that I had discovered what love really was. I believe I did grow to love him, but indeed it started as infatuation. I did not take into account the huge differences we had. Cultural differences, beliefs, different goals. I am American, and he eventually wanted to go back to his home country to settle, which was not here. Such vast differences, but I “loved” him so much, I thought everything would just fall into place and that things would work out. I knew I was willing to do more than my fair share to make it work, and I did do a great deal more than my fair share, but it didn’t work out in the end. Today, I am so grateful for this, I can see the limitless opportunity I have now that I am without him. What he wanted and what I wanted were two different things. But at the time, I was so blinded by obsession that I was willing to compromise on things that actually should have been deal breakers. I was infatuated. So much so that I never looked at the situation from a clear perspective and said to myself…Is this the life that I want? I was too focused on him to care about what the other aspects of my life were like. When I left him, after 2 years of giving all that I had to make it work, I thought to myself.. “I know that I will find someone to love me, but will I be able to find someone that I can love as much as I loved him?” 1 year and a lot of dating later, I answered my question, but with even more to add to the equation. I look back and realize that I did not see the whole picture before. Now I realize that, that is part of the equation of love. I met someone and I have discovered with him a greater love than I have ever known. A much different love….a better, all encompassing, truer love. I see the whole picture. I see him as he is, not as I want him to be, and I know that I must accept him as he is or not at all. You can never expect anyone to change. I look at our goals and what a life might be like together and I see that it fits into the picture that I already had for myself. Like he would be the missing piece of the puzzle, not just another random piece that I have to make a space for. I look at how we deal with problems, how we communicate. There is balance, there is compromise on both ends, and there is connection, attraction, compatibility and harmony. I made a list, after my last love, of all the qualities I wanted in a man. He is what I described over a year ago. I made it when I was clear headed and free from the influence of a new prospect. All the things I wanted before, that I did not have in my empty infatuations I have found in him . It makes me so happy and even happier to know that I chose this person, not the rose-colored glasses. I see the faults, yes I do, but even those make me smile because it is reasonable to say that there will be differences. The differences that we have pertain to things that are of little importance. The big things, our morals, values and goals, we share. So, when we disagree on something, I point out what a desirable situation it is that we agree on the big things and disagree on the things that don’t matter anyway. Yes, there are things I would change, but perhaps if he was perfect I would not have the opportunity to see the willingness he has to make me happy, even if it means doing things that don’t come naturally for him. I think that is what love is. Looking at compatibility and harmony you share as well as how you feel for that person. When you can look at someone and you can see the good as well as the bad. When you meet someone who already fits into your preconceived idea of the life you want and vice versa. Then you put that together with the other necessary components….. compatibility, attraction, connection and how you feel about the person. Eventually, You should know that even in the times when the butterflies fade, (Because there are always times when they just flutter away) that there is still enough substance in the relationship and willingness to keep it going. If you can do this, you may just have the formula for a true, lasting love. 1. Hello, great write up. In my book “Foundation For Joyful Relationships’ I outlined a number of principles which could be practiced during the course of dating which could enable relationships partners build the true love that can last and bear through during the turbulent times and those seasons when the initial emotional and passion energies go down. I identified cultivating friendship as number one with mutual respect and clarity of purpose to mention but a few as other key factors. It is my knowledge and experience that these could be cultivated during the period of dating and courtship and engagement if there were no premarital sex involved. Both men and women suffer when relationship problems arise. It does appear that women suffer more. Girls and women should protect themselves by avoiding premarital sex which I am also tagging as “unprotected sex”. I call it so because, though you might get some pleasure doing it, it does not produce emotional balance and peace of mind. It leads to more deadly challenges beyond STDs and unwanted pregnancy. The ultimate desire of all in relationships is to get a(n) (eternal) companion. I have proof of the fact that when boys and men do not get free and unprotected sex, and they know that their heart-throb and the other girls are determined to grow the relationship appropriately, it leads them to make marriage decisions early. The relatTrue love, a love that lives on, even when the butterflies fade. By guide4goofs I have loved before. With an ill informed sort of love, but yes, I have loved. I used to think that was all that mattered. I had been forced to stay with someone for years that I did not love, and when I was able to be with someone I felt overwhelmingly passionate about, I thought that I had discovered what love really was. I believe I did grow to love him, but indeed it started as infatuation. I did not take into account the huge differences we had. Cultural differences, beliefs, different goals. I am American, and he eventually wanted to go back to his home country to settle, which was not here. Such vast differences, but I “loved” him so much, I thought everything would just fall into place and that things would work out. I knew I was willing to do more than my fair share to make it work, and I did do a great deal more than my fair share, but it didn’t work out in the end. Today, I am so grateful for this, I can see the limitless opportunity I have now that I am without him. What he wanted and what I wanted were two different things. But at the time, I was so blinded by obsession that I was willing to compromise on things that actually should have been deal breakers. I was infatuated. So much so that I never looked at the situation from a clear perspective and said to myself…Is this the life that I want? I was too focused on him to care about what the other aspects of my life were like. When I left him, after 2 years of giving all that I had to make it work, I thought to myself.. “I know that I will find someone to love me, but will I be able to find someone that I can love as much as I loved him?” 1 year and a lot of dating later, I answered my question, but with even more to add to the equation. I look back and realize that I did not see the whole picture before. Now I realize that, that is part of the equation of love. I met someone and I have discovered with him a greater love than I have ever known. A much different love….a better, all encompassing, truer love. I see the whole picture. I see him as he is, not as I want him to be, and I know that I must accept him as he is or not at all. You can never expect anyone to change. I look at our goals and what a life might be like together and I see that it fits into the picture that I already had for myself. Like he would be the missing piece of the puzzle, not just another random piece that I have to make a space for. I look at how we deal with problems, how we communicate. There is balance, there is compromise on both ends, and there is connection, attraction, compatibility and harmony. I made a list, after my last love, of all the qualities I wanted in a man. He is what I described over a year ago. I made it when I was clear headed and free from the influence of a new prospect. All the things I wanted before, that I did not have in my empty infatuations I have found in him . It makes me so happy and even happier to know that I chose this person, not the rose-colored glasses. I see the faults, yes I do, but even those make me smile because it is reasonable to say that there will be differences. The differences that we have pertain to things that are of little importance. The big things, our morals, values and goals, we share. So, when we disagree on something, I point out what a desirable situation it is that we agree on the big things and disagree on the things that don’t matter anyway. Yes, there are things I would change, but perhaps if he was perfect I would not have the opportunity to see the willingness he has to make me happy, even if it means doing things that don’t come naturally for him. I think that is what love is. Looking at compatibility and harmony you share as well as how you feel for that person. When you can look at someone and you can see the good as well as the bad. When you meet someone who already fits into your preconceived idea of the life you want and vice versa. Then you put that together with the other necessary components….. compatibility, attraction, connection and how you feel about the person. Eventually, You should know that even in the times when the butterflies fade, (Because there are always times when they just flutter away) that there is still enough substance in the relationship and willingness to keep it going. If you can do this, you may just have the formula for a true, lasting love.

My Comments on this blog post

Hello, great write up. In my book ‘Foundation For Joyful Relationships’ I outlined a number of principles which could be practiced during the course of dating which could enable relationships partners build the true love that can last and bear through during the turbulent times and those seasons when the initial emotional and passion energies go down. I identified cultivating friendship as number one with mutual respect and clarity of purpose to mention but a few as other key factors. It is my knowledge and experience that these could be cultivated during the period of dating and courtship and engagement if there were no premarital sex involved. Both men and women suffer when relationship problems arise. It does appear that women suffer more. Girls and women should protect themselves by avoiding premarital sex which I am also tagging as “unprotected sex”. I call it so because, though you might get some pleasure doing it, it does not produce emotional balance and peace of mind. It leads to more deadly challenges beyond STDs and unwanted pregnancy. The ultimate desire of all in relationships is to get a(n) (eternal) companion. I have proof of the fact that when boys and men do not get free and unprotected sex, and they know that their heart-throb and the other girls are determined to grow the relationship appropriately, it leads them to make marriage decision. Our success in life is largely dependent on our management of our relationships. It, therefore, needs a foundation. That’s what I am saying my book. Check my blog https://marryright.wordpress.com or email me nmeribefrancis@gmail.com for more information and any questions.

What Elder Harold B. Lee told Brother John Wadsworth

February 28, 2010

Elder John  Wadsworth who currently serve as a Welfare/PEF Missionary in Nigeria recalled at the High Priest Group class today 28 February 2010 that while serving full time mission as a young man, Elder Harold B. Lee then an Apostle was on a mission tour of his mission.  He had the privilege of traveling with him for the 12 days he spent on their Mission in South America.  At the end of the tour, Elder Lee asked him if he had a young lady waiting for him at home to be married as soon as he returned home from his mission to which he said no.  Elder Lee then told him to call him as soon as he found one.

When Brother Wadsworth found his  wife, he called on Elder Lee who was gracious enough to grant them an appointment.  He recalled that Elder Lee asked him about South America, about the church there, leaders and potential leaders in that place.  They spent time talking about their economy, their political situation and other issues.  Then suddenly, Elder Lee stopped and said, these are not why we are here.  Now tell me about this woman you have identified.  While Brother Wadsworth was telling Elder about his fiancé, he noticed that tears were running down Elder Lee’s face.  When he finished talking about his wife to be, Elder Lee looked him squarely in the face and told him to remember what he is going tell him now.

Elder Lee then told Brother Wadsworth that two things matter most in this life and asked him to concentrate his efforts on these two things and he would be successful.  Elder Lee then said those two things are:

  • The family
  • The church

He noted that Elder Lee had told him that he should focus on success on these two items and in that order, meaning his family should come first and the Church next.  Elder Lee promised Brother Wadsworth that if he would focus all his energies on his family relationship and learn all that he could about Heavenly Father (God) then he would be completely successful in life.

Elder Wadsworth currently serves a full time mission with his wife of 42 years as couple missionaries in the Nigeria Lagos Mission  They are in charge of Perpetual Education Fund in the whole Nigeria.  This is a sign of success since he has to pay for his mission and he is still married to that same woman since then.  He must have listened to Elder Harold B. Lee who later became a President of the Church.

I bring this account to my blog readers today because of the emphasis on laying a good foundation for joyful relationships that would lead to the creation of the family which is the basic unit of the society. 

For many people, little or no consideration is given to the importance of the family to their overall success and happiness in life.  If the family is considered at all, it is superficially.  However, here lies the onion of existence and the route to true joy and all successes you can ever imagine.

It was David O. McKay who made the now famous statement:  “no success can compensate for failure in the home”.  This is a clarion call for proper preparation for the establishment of the family.  The foundation for joyful relationships is the key for the success in the family front, the mother of all successes.

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