Cohabitation: A modern form of courtship?

Dear Associates,

I found this article in the Daily Trust newspaper published at Abuja.  It made an interesting reading for me.  I thought I should share this with you.  The two perspectives given here make healthy argument.  However, it is easy to see that the school of thought backing cohabitation has lots of flaws which would assist our blog readers to make wise decision. 

In my book, Foundation For Joyful Relationships, I made it clear that “love is one product you cannot sell by giving out samples”.  I wonder what any man will think about a woman who have had to co-habit with several men while looking for suitable men. 

At Marryright we boldly state that cohabitation is nothing but immorality and whoredom.  Apart from that, cohabitation and premarital sex reduces the chance for marriage relationships to survive.  Nobody learns anything during sexual intimacy.

Read on.

Just looking at a marriage calendar the other day, I noticed the couple were elderly and could easily pass for my parents; they could have been renewing their vows but they weren’t, the couple had just gotten married for the first time. The calendar read “Naomi and James. We have been like this for 18 years”. The couple have had 3 kids in these years, they just never bothered to tie the knot; after all what’s in a piece of paper that says ‘we are married’ when they have lived happily with 3 kids without it. I was later told the man used to have a wife, and since marrying another woman will have amounted to bigamy, he rented an apartment for Naomi and has been living a double life until the demise of his first wife which forced him to legalize his union with Naomi, the calendar wife. My grandmother often said that if you want a man to marry you, then wisdom dictates some measures of ‘playing hard to get,’ and that specifically includes avoiding cohabitation as much as possible. Today however, cohabitation is gradually replacing marriage. It has become the first step live ins take and irrespective of age, culture or religious beliefs, a lot of people are doing it. I read somewhere that cohabiting helps one figure out what it takes to be married to your partner, so if things do not work out, breaking up would be easy as there will be no need to seek legal or religious permission to dissolve the union. And I thought wow! Who benefits from this arrangement? Definitely not the woman I must say. I thought that most women lived with their boyfriends because they believe it is a commitment of some sort, or a prelude to marriage; they do not for once think that most men regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of a long-term commitment. I keep recalling an American psychologist and TV host, Dr Phil’s response to a woman who complained that her live-in boy friend of 8years and father of her 2 kids had refused to legalize their union. Dr Phil looked sternly into the woman’s eyes and asked, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” But when I asked a friend about cohabitation, she looked at me as though I was crazy and boldly said if she didn’t live with a man for a certain period of time then she definitely couldn’t marry him. “How am I supposed to know if everything is in its right place or he is man enough?” Lizzy asked But does that necessarily solve the problem? I pondered. May be in some ways as Lizzy asserted, such as whether both parties are sexually productive or not. But on the other hand, for a woman who hopes to leap into marriage from this arrangement, it only tells the man and his relatives how lose or desperate she is (except in certain situations where customs apply). Even though cohabitation is common in the western world, it is gradually creeping into the African way of life and crippling its values. Sofi Adams an Industrial Attachment staff with a bank in Abuja said she used to visit her boy friend in Lagos and spend the weekend with him. “He didn’t actually ask me to move in because we lived far apart but he used to send money for my flight ticket to go to Lagos for weekends”. The arrangement worked well as Sofi and her boy friend planned to get married after her HND. “We would have married earlier but he insisted I concentrate on my studies and promised to marry me as soon as I graduate from school”. According to her, everything was going so well until the day she went browsing and low and behold! She saw his wedding pictures posted on his face book wall. “He only told me he was travelling out of the country for a few weeks so I wasn’t surprised when i couldn’t reach him on his phone, unknown to me he had changed his number”. Sofi learnt a few weeks after the wedding that her boyfriend’s family didn’t approve of their living arrangements, so thought her unworthy. “His sisters were nice to me whenever I visited for the weekend so I never thought his family disapproved of our arrangement which led him into marrying without my knowledge.” While religion and some customs may disapprove of prenuptial living arrangements, some traditions actually encourage it in order to ascertain the fruitful capability of the woman coming into the family. In fact, some extended families insist the woman gets pregnant for the son of the soil before she is welcomed into the family. “I know that in my place, it’s preferable for the woman to get pregnant before the actual wedding so as to ascertain if her womb is fruitful or not” middle aged Oladokun said. According to him, most girls might have had abortions during their university days and won’t tell their partners until they get married. “That is when the doctor tells you that your wife can not get pregnant or that it is dangerous for her to get pregnant due to the numerous abortions she underwent in the past” he explained. Kate Usigbe is a corps member who thinks living with a boyfriend is very economical. “I did it when I was in UNN (University Of Nigeria Nsuka) and if my present boyfriend had been in this town, I wouldn’t have had accommodation problems for he will gladly ask me to stay with him” Kate, who now serves in Abuja said there is nothing wrong in two lovers having a temporary living arrangement before they tie the knot. She believes it is the modern form of courtship. “You cannot know if the two of you are compatible by just seeing each other, and asking of his/her likes and dislikes. You have to live with the person to know if he snores or is a slob, or if he is really the neat guy he may have portrayed himself to be, he may lie to you about this vital information and you will never know the truth if you don’t live with him.” In cases where the couple decide to part ways due to incompatibility issues, the woman may be more at the receiving end as society frowns at her and sees her action as merely cheap and sacrilegious while the man easily substitutes her for a ‘more decent’ girl to marry. According to Jibrin Sanusi he will never marry someone who has probably lived with 3 other men in the name of compatibility experiments. “What if you find out after the whole living together experiment that you two are not compatible? To me it is the lady that losses because she will have to pack out, to start looking for someone more compatible”. Gloria Amos believes that once in a while ladies can visit their boyfriends just to spend some time together but totally disapproves of live ins. “Visit for weekends, yes. But not moving makes the arrangement more permanent. You don’t have to live with him, but you can sleep over once in a while. That will help you determine whatever you wish to determine”. Gloria added that most girls are trapped in a marriage today due to their failure to determine the competence of their husbands prior to marriage. “I believe in look before you leap because if the man turns out to be impotent you will either get out of the marriage or go into infidelity,” she said. Ibrahim Adara sees no difference between a live in and girls who stay weekends at a boyfriends’ apartment. “What is the difference between miss A who lives with her boyfriend over the weekend and miss B who lives with him seven days a week? Most girls fall under miss B category and I don’t see the difference between them”. Ibrahim confessed how most men; especially bachelors are merely looking for help with the house chores, the cooking and specifically someone to warm their beds at night without commitment. “They keep them and make them go through abortions and eventually keep her as a concubine while he goes after a young wife in his village.” I have heard that living together decreases the chances of divorce as the couple must have known each other well enough and possibly learnt to accommodate and tolerate one another during their prenuptial experiment. But I for one do not think there is a relationship between prenuptial cohabitation and having a successful marriage. If that is the case, why the high rate of divorce in the so called civilized world?

Re: True love, a love that lives on, even when the butterflies fade

Dear Friends and Associates,

I found this entry in a blog I follow and considered it very beautiful and good for you to share with me.  I have included it with my comments.  I invite you to comment on both the blog and my comments underneath it.  Thanks as always for your support.

Francis

I have loved before. With an ill informed sort of love, but yes, I have loved. I used to think that was all that mattered. I had been forced to stay with someone for years that I did not love, and when I was able to be with someone I felt overwhelmingly passionate about, I thought that I had discovered what love really was. I believe I did grow to love him, but indeed it started as infatuation. I did not take into account the huge differences we had. Cultural differences, beliefs, different goals. I am American, and he eventually wanted to go back to his home country to settle, which was not here. Such vast differences, but I “loved” him so much, I thought everything would just fall into place and that things would work out. I knew I was willing to do more than my fair share to make it work, and I did do a great deal more than my fair share, but it didn’t work out in the end. Today, I am so grateful for this, I can see the limitless opportunity I have now that I am without him. What he wanted and what I wanted were two different things. But at the time, I was so blinded by obsession that I was willing to compromise on things that actually should have been deal breakers. I was infatuated. So much so that I never looked at the situation from a clear perspective and said to myself…Is this the life that I want? I was too focused on him to care about what the other aspects of my life were like. When I left him, after 2 years of giving all that I had to make it work, I thought to myself.. “I know that I will find someone to love me, but will I be able to find someone that I can love as much as I loved him?” 1 year and a lot of dating later, I answered my question, but with even more to add to the equation. I look back and realize that I did not see the whole picture before. Now I realize that, that is part of the equation of love. I met someone and I have discovered with him a greater love than I have ever known. A much different love….a better, all encompassing, truer love. I see the whole picture. I see him as he is, not as I want him to be, and I know that I must accept him as he is or not at all. You can never expect anyone to change. I look at our goals and what a life might be like together and I see that it fits into the picture that I already had for myself. Like he would be the missing piece of the puzzle, not just another random piece that I have to make a space for. I look at how we deal with problems, how we communicate. There is balance, there is compromise on both ends, and there is connection, attraction, compatibility and harmony. I made a list, after my last love, of all the qualities I wanted in a man. He is what I described over a year ago. I made it when I was clear headed and free from the influence of a new prospect. All the things I wanted before, that I did not have in my empty infatuations I have found in him . It makes me so happy and even happier to know that I chose this person, not the rose-colored glasses. I see the faults, yes I do, but even those make me smile because it is reasonable to say that there will be differences. The differences that we have pertain to things that are of little importance. The big things, our morals, values and goals, we share. So, when we disagree on something, I point out what a desirable situation it is that we agree on the big things and disagree on the things that don’t matter anyway. Yes, there are things I would change, but perhaps if he was perfect I would not have the opportunity to see the willingness he has to make me happy, even if it means doing things that don’t come naturally for him. I think that is what love is. Looking at compatibility and harmony you share as well as how you feel for that person. When you can look at someone and you can see the good as well as the bad. When you meet someone who already fits into your preconceived idea of the life you want and vice versa. Then you put that together with the other necessary components….. compatibility, attraction, connection and how you feel about the person. Eventually, You should know that even in the times when the butterflies fade, (Because there are always times when they just flutter away) that there is still enough substance in the relationship and willingness to keep it going. If you can do this, you may just have the formula for a true, lasting love. 1. Hello, great write up. In my book “Foundation For Joyful Relationships’ I outlined a number of principles which could be practiced during the course of dating which could enable relationships partners build the true love that can last and bear through during the turbulent times and those seasons when the initial emotional and passion energies go down. I identified cultivating friendship as number one with mutual respect and clarity of purpose to mention but a few as other key factors. It is my knowledge and experience that these could be cultivated during the period of dating and courtship and engagement if there were no premarital sex involved. Both men and women suffer when relationship problems arise. It does appear that women suffer more. Girls and women should protect themselves by avoiding premarital sex which I am also tagging as “unprotected sex”. I call it so because, though you might get some pleasure doing it, it does not produce emotional balance and peace of mind. It leads to more deadly challenges beyond STDs and unwanted pregnancy. The ultimate desire of all in relationships is to get a(n) (eternal) companion. I have proof of the fact that when boys and men do not get free and unprotected sex, and they know that their heart-throb and the other girls are determined to grow the relationship appropriately, it leads them to make marriage decisions early. The relatTrue love, a love that lives on, even when the butterflies fade. By guide4goofs I have loved before. With an ill informed sort of love, but yes, I have loved. I used to think that was all that mattered. I had been forced to stay with someone for years that I did not love, and when I was able to be with someone I felt overwhelmingly passionate about, I thought that I had discovered what love really was. I believe I did grow to love him, but indeed it started as infatuation. I did not take into account the huge differences we had. Cultural differences, beliefs, different goals. I am American, and he eventually wanted to go back to his home country to settle, which was not here. Such vast differences, but I “loved” him so much, I thought everything would just fall into place and that things would work out. I knew I was willing to do more than my fair share to make it work, and I did do a great deal more than my fair share, but it didn’t work out in the end. Today, I am so grateful for this, I can see the limitless opportunity I have now that I am without him. What he wanted and what I wanted were two different things. But at the time, I was so blinded by obsession that I was willing to compromise on things that actually should have been deal breakers. I was infatuated. So much so that I never looked at the situation from a clear perspective and said to myself…Is this the life that I want? I was too focused on him to care about what the other aspects of my life were like. When I left him, after 2 years of giving all that I had to make it work, I thought to myself.. “I know that I will find someone to love me, but will I be able to find someone that I can love as much as I loved him?” 1 year and a lot of dating later, I answered my question, but with even more to add to the equation. I look back and realize that I did not see the whole picture before. Now I realize that, that is part of the equation of love. I met someone and I have discovered with him a greater love than I have ever known. A much different love….a better, all encompassing, truer love. I see the whole picture. I see him as he is, not as I want him to be, and I know that I must accept him as he is or not at all. You can never expect anyone to change. I look at our goals and what a life might be like together and I see that it fits into the picture that I already had for myself. Like he would be the missing piece of the puzzle, not just another random piece that I have to make a space for. I look at how we deal with problems, how we communicate. There is balance, there is compromise on both ends, and there is connection, attraction, compatibility and harmony. I made a list, after my last love, of all the qualities I wanted in a man. He is what I described over a year ago. I made it when I was clear headed and free from the influence of a new prospect. All the things I wanted before, that I did not have in my empty infatuations I have found in him . It makes me so happy and even happier to know that I chose this person, not the rose-colored glasses. I see the faults, yes I do, but even those make me smile because it is reasonable to say that there will be differences. The differences that we have pertain to things that are of little importance. The big things, our morals, values and goals, we share. So, when we disagree on something, I point out what a desirable situation it is that we agree on the big things and disagree on the things that don’t matter anyway. Yes, there are things I would change, but perhaps if he was perfect I would not have the opportunity to see the willingness he has to make me happy, even if it means doing things that don’t come naturally for him. I think that is what love is. Looking at compatibility and harmony you share as well as how you feel for that person. When you can look at someone and you can see the good as well as the bad. When you meet someone who already fits into your preconceived idea of the life you want and vice versa. Then you put that together with the other necessary components….. compatibility, attraction, connection and how you feel about the person. Eventually, You should know that even in the times when the butterflies fade, (Because there are always times when they just flutter away) that there is still enough substance in the relationship and willingness to keep it going. If you can do this, you may just have the formula for a true, lasting love.

My Comments on this blog post

Hello, great write up. In my book ‘Foundation For Joyful Relationships’ I outlined a number of principles which could be practiced during the course of dating which could enable relationships partners build the true love that can last and bear through during the turbulent times and those seasons when the initial emotional and passion energies go down. I identified cultivating friendship as number one with mutual respect and clarity of purpose to mention but a few as other key factors. It is my knowledge and experience that these could be cultivated during the period of dating and courtship and engagement if there were no premarital sex involved. Both men and women suffer when relationship problems arise. It does appear that women suffer more. Girls and women should protect themselves by avoiding premarital sex which I am also tagging as “unprotected sex”. I call it so because, though you might get some pleasure doing it, it does not produce emotional balance and peace of mind. It leads to more deadly challenges beyond STDs and unwanted pregnancy. The ultimate desire of all in relationships is to get a(n) (eternal) companion. I have proof of the fact that when boys and men do not get free and unprotected sex, and they know that their heart-throb and the other girls are determined to grow the relationship appropriately, it leads them to make marriage decision. Our success in life is largely dependent on our management of our relationships. It, therefore, needs a foundation. That’s what I am saying my book. Check my blog https://marryright.wordpress.com or email me nmeribefrancis@gmail.com for more information and any questions.

What Elder Harold B. Lee told Brother John Wadsworth

Elder John  Wadsworth who currently serve as a Welfare/PEF Missionary in Nigeria recalled at the High Priest Group class today 28 February 2010 that while serving full time mission as a young man, Elder Harold B. Lee then an Apostle was on a mission tour of his mission.  He had the privilege of traveling with him for the 12 days he spent on their Mission in South America.  At the end of the tour, Elder Lee asked him if he had a young lady waiting for him at home to be married as soon as he returned home from his mission to which he said no.  Elder Lee then told him to call him as soon as he found one.

When Brother Wadsworth found his  wife, he called on Elder Lee who was gracious enough to grant them an appointment.  He recalled that Elder Lee asked him about South America, about the church there, leaders and potential leaders in that place.  They spent time talking about their economy, their political situation and other issues.  Then suddenly, Elder Lee stopped and said, these are not why we are here.  Now tell me about this woman you have identified.  While Brother Wadsworth was telling Elder about his fiancé, he noticed that tears were running down Elder Lee’s face.  When he finished talking about his wife to be, Elder Lee looked him squarely in the face and told him to remember what he is going tell him now.

Elder Lee then told Brother Wadsworth that two things matter most in this life and asked him to concentrate his efforts on these two things and he would be successful.  Elder Lee then said those two things are:

• The family
• The church

He noted that Elder Lee had told him that he should focus on success on these two items and in that order, meaning his family should come first and the Church next.  Elder Lee promised Brother Wadsworth that if he would focus all his energies on his family relationship and learn all that he could about Heavenly Father (God) then he would be completely successful in life.

Elder Wadsworth currently serves a full time mission with his wife of 42 years as couple missionaries in the Nigeria Lagos Mission  They are in charge of Perpetual Education Fund in the whole Nigeria.  This is a sign of success since he has to pay for his mission and he is still married to that same woman since then.  He must have listened to Elder Harold B. Lee who later became a President of the Church.

I bring this account to my blog readers today because of the emphasis on laying a good foundation for joyful relationships that would lead to the creation of the family which is the basic unit of the society. 

For many people, little or no consideration is given to the importance of the family to their overall success and happiness in life.  If the family is considered at all, it is superficially.  However, here lies the onion of existence and the route to true joy and all successes you can ever imagine.

It was David O. McKay who made the now famous statement:  “no success can compensate for failure in the home”.  This is a clarion call for proper preparation for the establishment of the family.  The foundation for joyful relationships is the key for the success in the family front, the mother of all successes.